Friday, March 28, 2008

Healing

Hey everyone- It has been a short week but a long week, if that makes any sense at all. Ella got sick I believe on Tuesday and stayed home Wednesday. I think having her around the extra day right now wore me out! My mom was with me and helped but I still was so tired on Thursday. I literally was in bed from when Ella left for daycare around 8am until 4pm in time to go get her from daycare. I slept all day long! I should enjoy those days, but I don't really. I feel lazy and nonproductive and hermitish. I was supposed to go to a lunch to celebrate Brandi's birthday but I just couldn't get myself out of bed to go. I am so sorry Brandi! Today I got up and finally got cleaned up and out of the house a bit. I think I really get lonely when I am home by myself. IT is really nice to have Angie around for company but she is so busy these days that I don't have anyone around on the days Ella goes to daycare. I could keep her home, but then I would get no rest!
Ella has been very fussy lately, it is driving me crazy. I don't know if it is just because she isn't feeling good or a phase in her life or what but I am a bit worried about her attitude and being the only child. I can't imagine having another child at this point but I do worry about her being an only child. There are good and bad to both, I know!
Doug and I ended up flipping to Supernanny the other night to see how Ella compared.. we were happy that she wasn't to that point, but I think now I worry that she will end up running the show after awhile. She is so manipulative, they just repeat things until they get there way. Now that she is in her big girl bed(we did that so I could help get her in and out), she is finding ways to not go to bed and arriving at my bed early in the morning. The other morning it was 5:45am and she was hungry, because she didn't eat dinner. I was trying to hold my ground but then Doug got frustrated with the noise and took her down to eat. Ugh. What a challenge!
Oh, I am doing well, the pleurisy pain is much better, if not gone. Thank you Sue for your wisdom, I do believe that is what I had. It sounds like it! I am sorry you deal with that a lot, it is painful! So I am still on the mend and doing fairly well. Not much of an appetite still but otherwise doing good!
KU Jayhawks play tonight, lets hope they blow Villanova away!!!! I don't want it to be too close of a game to worry me all night!
I hope you all are doing well! We finally have a bit of sunshine today. I was not liking the dreary last few days! Have a great weekend everyone! I will write more next week. I will start having more doctors appointments and stuff in a couple weeks and then restarting chemo. It is a bit frustrating that I am not done. I am a bit tired of fighting, ya know. I want my life back, ugh!!!! I will never have "my life back". This is my life now. Ugh, I need a vacation! Talk to you all soon, shawndra

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had to giggle when I read your description of how Ella has been acting. My 2 year-old is the same way and I am ALWAYS wondering what I am doing wrong, if it's normal etc. You and Doug are terriffic parents and it's just a phase she is in that they all go through. Plus, she's had a big change in her routine the last few weeks so that might have something to do with it. Hope that you get some rest and have a super weekend.

Anonymous said...

I am glad to hear you are feeling better and healing. I had the pleasure of meeting your sister today. I hurt my back (again) and had to start PT. We were talking about how her sister used to work at CMH and when I asked who her sister was and she said you I was like "I KNOW SHAWDRA!!! I explained how we used to work together and that I know Angie as well and how I am a faithful blog reader and praying for you. We hugged and had some tears well up in our eyes. I have been so down about my back and the pain lately and sometimes feel guilty because there are so many others out there who have it much worse than I do when it comes to my health. I was praying last night that I would get someone good in PT and that I would learn new exercises and my pain would get better....and BAM I get your sister for my PT!!! It was meant to be, He sent me someone who is understanding and so very kind, and I know she is going to help me so much. I hope you have a great week and I will check in later to see how your feeling. I am so inspired by your strength and faith Shawndra...you are touching people in many ways. I will continue to pray for your recovery.
Love,
Melody

Kristen said...

Hi Shawndra - I read your blog daily and always wonder about how you are doing. You are in my prayers all the time and know that the road is hard but you are strong and will come out of this alive and kicking.

My daughter is 3 months older than Ella and rest assured she is the exact same way and isn't an only child. I don't know if it's a girl thing or what but boy is she ever tempermental, determined and independent at 2 1/2 already. Like Ella we just moved her into her toddler bed and bedtime is exhausting. She doesn't want to go to sleep and will find ways to procrastinate at all costs of her Mommy and Daddy. I think it's a phase and I know we have enabled her to be some of this way as she is the baby but wow it can be overwhelming.

Just thought I would give you some comfort in knowing you aren't alone out there! You inspire me to enjoy my healthy days much more now and I thank you for that!

Take Care and stay strong,
Kristen S
Fellow online friend from Independence, MO

Kelley said...

I don't even know where to start. I'm happy you are feeling better, & sad you are not feeling better. You knwo the routine,it's your life. The Ella stuff.....it's life with a child. The issues will change, but no matter how old they get, it is always something. I guess that is why we get all the hugs and kisses in between...to keep our sanity! As for the sadness and felling lonely, that stinks. If there is ever anything I can do, I am here. Hang in there sis, you are due a bright ray in your direction.

Donna said...

Hi Shawndra,
Before I had children I never payed attention to books like "Children The Challenge". During the first year or two we all read the books about what your baby should be doing at certain ages. They have us so totlly wrapped around their little fingers. And then their little personalites keep developing and before we know it,they are a challenge, but do darn cute too! I hate to say it, but it really is all a normal part of growing up! So we keep reading books and comersirate {sp?} with family and friends who have traveled the same road. You are doing a great job being a parent. You can just tell how much you love Ella by the way you write about her.
I check your blog daily to see how you are doing, like so many others. On the lonely days just know you have so many people thinking about you and sending you love and caring thoughts.
It has to be upsetting to know that what use to be "a normal life" is not normal anymore. It's not right. It's ok not to feel strong on some days, but by reading your blog it is easy to tell that you are a fighter and you keep pulling those boot straps up.
Sending you a hug, Donna from St. Louis

Dinah said...

Bless your heart....Having a child that age, is such a challenge. I remember when my child (son) was that age, he would never need me as much as whenever I was on the phone, then he had to have my attention. They are certainly a challenge. Have a marvelous week and rest up as much as you can, you deserve it.
God Bless

Dinah

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra, I feel your situation (s) in all you're going through. I wish life didnt have to be so hard for some like you. It sure isn't fair. Ella is probably going through her terrible 2's as they call it. I remember these times with my 2. Some days you just do not know what's wrong...and if it is them or us. Try and not let her get to you to the point that you are not resting and getting better. Sometime ignoring even pays off at this age--just my opinion. Raising children is not easy, especially at this age when they are testing-testing! I did 3 days of 4-5 hour chemo drips and wore the fanny pack for 48 hours this week, so I am really tired also. I am so glad the plurisy is better!! I know how painful it can be. Rest my friend. Sue

Anonymous said...

HI,
I' m so glad you're feeling better.
Rest, rest, and heal.

Do you remember when you were Ella's age?
For sure not. Your mom, does.
Don't worry.
Worrying, wears you out, it's useless, it's non sense.

After you have children, you'll never stop worrying about each stage they go through, and....
worrying about 6 feet Rainer still, or 5.7 Carla, in their thirties, didn't change a bit in their lives, just... wore me out.
I'm still learning, but better later than never.


So, remember your high spirits?
You need them.
You need all the rest you can get.
Don't feel lonely, your guardian angel is all the time around you, watching you,
An american friend told me a funny story, I never forgot.
A little boy at school was always teased by the cool ones in his class.
So, after thinking a little, he hired an older student to be his body guard at school!!!
He was never teased anymore.
Remember God, as your body guard.
He's there with you all the time, and we all are thinking about you.
You must feel all this healing energy coming towards you from all your friends prayers, attitudes and positive vibrations.
Besides, accept your feelings, the positive and the negative ones.
Like yourself.
Love, yourself.

You are in the process of getting your life back!!!
Think of it as TRUE.
And it's been taking place because or your will, strength and faith.

Rest, recover. You're a great momy, and Ella is a great kid. She's got you as your MOmy!!! ( momy, must be spelled wrong)

Love,
Roswita- glad to hear the last news regarding to Less pain.

Anonymous said...

Shawndra-

Please know when you lonely I am here for you! You are truly an amazing mother. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! God Bless! Keep Believing!!!

The Mudge's

SoCalSunshine said...

Hi Shawndra,

It sounds like your little Ella is sharing the gift of her terrible twos with you and Doug :)

I know your body and brain are exhausted from the battles you fight each day. It must be frustrating to fight so hard when the victories seem so small or far away, but we are here to help you when your strength wanes. You are a human fighting a superhuman battle - give yourself a little credit for that and know that it's okay for you NOT to feel great or cheery all the time.

I hope the support and prayers you receive from your blog readers will help provide some of the cheer and strength you need right now.

There are armies of people who pray for and think of you each day, Shawndra. Armies of people who have been touched by your warmth, openness, love for your family, and love for life. You give to us even while you fight this exhausting battle.

Thank you for continuing to update us on your progress. Rest well and know that you are being thought of fondly and that many, many prayers are being said at this moment for you, Doug, and Ella.

I'll remember to pray that Ella's twos aren't too terrible :)

jg

Andrea said...

Hey sis-
Hope you are feeling better, sounds like you may have had a rough weekend! Hope Ella is feeling better as well. I missed you! Ella is just fine - Avery is starting to do some of the same things and Keaton did them a few years ago as well. Not to fret!
As for the lonely, I know - for even with our busy lives when we stop and look around we feel so lonely. I do too, I miss my TX friends so much. But I know too, that God put me here and now for a reason and I wouldn't be anywhere else. So when you need someone, just call, I'll be there! I love you!
I would also like to thank Melody for her compliment on the blog. That was so kind of you and I hope and pray that we have the right treatments to heal you! I enjoyed getting to meet you! And thank you so much for being a faithful prayer warrior for Shawndra. That means the world to me and to our family!
Have a great week and GO KU!!! Final Four/San Anton here we come!!!
Love you!
Dre

Anonymous said...

SO VERY GOOD TO READ YOUR POST...U SOUND MUCH BETTER...THE ELLA STORY IS PRICELESS BUT STICK TO YOUR GUNS OR SHE WILL BE KING OF THE HILL IN NO TIME....I SPEAK FROM EXPERIENCE....DID U ENJOY THE KU GAME LAST NITE?? QUITE THE NAIL BITER FOR ME....WE HAVE THEM WINNING IT ALL IN OUR BRACKETS SO...GO JAYHAWKS....PLEASE KNOW I CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR U, DOUG AND ELLA EACH AND EVERYDAY....OUR GOD IS AN AWESOME GOD....KEEP THE FAITH...WITH CHRISTIAN LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, YOUR ANGEL OF PRAYER, JEN MILLER, KC, MO......

Anonymous said...

It was so wonderful to talk to you the other day. You sound wonderful and I am so proud of you!!
Ella is a great girl and you and Doug are wonderful parents. I'm sure we were difficult at times, despite being angels... ;)
Have a wonderful week.

Love, d

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

Even though you were missed at my b-day lunch, you gave me the best b-day gift I could have asked for.
You gave me your time, smile and laughter. Just chillin', hanging out and watching Sex in the City season one with you was awesome.
I will be over this week to find out what Carrie and Mr. Big are up to and to see if Charlotte's rabbit intervention worked ;0 Ha Ha! :)

Hang in there!

Brandi

Anonymous said...

OK I have to agree with the other parents here. Aidan can be so sweet and other times so mean and manipulative. Parenting with love and logic is where our sanity lies.... I pray your energy will abound day by day increasing and may the Lord Bless you and keep you in the palm of his hand. One of my friends is soon to declare bankruptcy and lose her house and belongings to some extent (1.2mil debt) but she has such a good attitude. "I'm here today, my family is here today- I am going to enjoy it no matter the circumstances" I know you of all people know this b/c you are the epitomy of good attitude. It is hard to keep that up all the time but again- life is so unpredictable- any of us could be gone tomorrow. I am glad you are living strong. I love you. ADL

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra,
You hang in there!! I wish Sara and I could come over right now. We could get the "lazy couch" out and watch movies like Dazed and Confused and Goonies! But since I can't come over, I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Hillary

Anonymous said...

Go K.U. I am so glad you were there to see the great game.

Glad you are feeling better.


Love, Marny