Friday, February 1, 2008

Worst treatment yet

Well, I am finally up and able to write. These past few days have been, well, to be honest, hell! I suffered from SEVERE anxiety and agitation, uncontrollable jerking, crawling out of my skin and just plain feeling miserable! I was in bed from the time I got home from chemo until I got my pump taken off yesterday. When I did get my pump off they gave me fluids and then I had to go get an MRI last night, which thankfully turned out negative. Just before going into get my MRI my back started really hurting and I needed my pain medication which I hadn't taken in several days. My dad and Doug came to a possible conclusion that maybe I was having this agitation because of withdrawal. It is highly possible. I had run out of my long acting pain medication a few days before and hadn't gotten it filled and I wasn't feeling good the day before chemo and was already getting agitated Tuesday morning before chemo even started. I took my pain medication last night and felt a calm come over me. That scares me that pain medication can do such a thing and that it is right now needed in my body, I think the key down the road would be to taper the medication so I don't have withdrawal, if this were the case.
I am feeling so much better today and so glad to have these past few days over with. I really was mentally having a very difficult time and wanting to just give up because it was so hard, I just didn't feel like i could do it anymore! I hate to admit that but it was getting the best of me! I am glad that I should have the next month off of chemo so I can regain strength to face surgery. Another source of some anxiety in me as well!
I want to thank you all sooo much for helping me through this, my husband, who is incredible and I can't get through this without, my family and his family, my neighbors, Angie who helped so much this week, my friends and my blog friends. Your unending support brings tears to my eyes! I can't thank you enough. We put Ella in an extra day of daycare because we didn't know how I was going to do today. I can't wait to see her smiling face and really get to play with her. All I could do these past few days is raise my head off the pillow and say "hello baby" to her! I just hope I don't have to keep going through this forever. I hope this surgery is successful so I can lead a somewhat normal life and continue to take care of my daughter, myself.
I am really looking to God and continuing to strengthen my faith in him, as I just read, We entrust him with our lives! I have to do that and believe that he will perform that miracle in me. I pray for all of you out there suffering as I have. This is not any easy battle and I wish you strength, courage, perserverance and peace. Michele, I am praying for you. Uncle Glen, papa, you too! You all are in my prayers constantly. Ella is learning to pray along with her mommy! I also want to thank my sister for her role. You all don't get an email but she sends an email out to a lot of friends and family. She started this when I was first diagnosed and the list grew and grew. She is so eloquent with her words and her faith is so strong. I am so glad to have such a wonderful sister who is there for me! I am so glad that she and her family are close to me now. I need her so much. THank you Dre! I hope you all have a great weekend. Please enjoy each moment you feel good, it is so taken for granted and as Ella says "oh my gosh" it is great to feel good! I actually just accidently typed it is great to feel God, I believe that too! Love always, shawndra

14 comments:

Andrea said...

Shawndra-
I want to believe that you didn't type "It is great to feel God" by accident. I do hope you feel Him as a presence in your life and working within you. He is ever present and I glad you are turning to look for Him for help/healing and love. God is love!! Thank you for your beautiful comment, I love you and consider you my best friend too!! Thanks for thinking of me today! Take care of you, this round is over, let's focus on the positives and get great energy geared up for surgery!
All my love and prayers,
Dre

Anonymous said...

Shawndra-

I am sorry that you had a tough week. I hope your feeling better. You truly are inspiration to us! Please know we are here for you! Our thoughts and payers are with you and your family! Keep Believing!!!

The Mudge's

Anonymous said...

Oh Shawndra,
I breathed a huge sigh of relief, along with many others, when I found out you were feeling better today. Praise the Lord! I was so worried about you. Now it's time to gather your strength and get ready for the next fight. Enjoy your break from chemo. We need some nice weather so all the neighbors can come out from hibernation. See you soon.
Miki

Kelley said...

I am so sorry to hear that this round had such a toll on you. Not haveing ever gone through this myself I can't say "I know what you are going through", but I can be there to offer a hand or a heart. It makes me sad to hear you had thought about giving up, but once again, I don't know what you are going through. If all of our strength can sustain you when you feel you have no more then that is what we will do. Try and get some rest and well deserved family time, and enjoy your weekend. Your on an upswing, I can feel it!

Anonymous said...

sorry it's been a rough patch. hang in there. continuous prayers from the arctic tundra of minneapolis.

lots of love.

stassen

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra,

I haven't left a comment in a few weeks, but I've been faithfully reading your blog and praying for you everyday. I'm sorry to hear the last few days have been so rough on you...I hope that you can get a reprieve this month off chemo, and feel good for a good while at a time!! I am praying everyday that the surgery will be a success, get rid of much of the cancer, and improve your life. Stay strong, rest up this month. You are in thoughts and prayers.

Michelle

sue said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this Shawndra. I am afraid that I will have to do that same chemo soon and it scares me sooooo much!! Love, Sue

Michele said...

Shawndra, I too worry about how I'm going to get off all these meds but then some days I just figure, oh well. I never dreamed I would be taking all this stuff! At least we have an excuse for crazy behavior- just blame it on the meds!
Hey, can we see some new pics of "punks"?
Michele;

Anonymous said...

Shawndra- I am glad that you have such a great support system! God is so great, I will continue to pray for you.

Joleene

Jess in Nebraska said...

So glad you are feeling better. I had a friend post this on her blog today and thought you might enjoy reading it...

DEAR GOD:
I want to thank You for what you have already done.

I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed; I am thanking you right now.


I am thanking you because I am alive.

I am thanking you because I made it through the day’s difficulties.

I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.

I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.

I’m thanking YOU, God…You haven’t given up on me.

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawndra,
We can scarely imagine what you have been through but you are are at the TOP of our prayer list!
We are with you as we trust God with these awful times as He helps you through them.
He is able...
Our love and prayers,
Marilyn & Jim

Anonymous said...

Shawndra--so sorry to hear what a week you had. Can't even imagine. I keep praying for you. Thank you for sharing with us, Jill R

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

I hope you and your family had a good weekend and that you were able to get some rest and relax. You will be in my thoughts and prayers as you prepare yourself for your upcoming surgery. May God be with you and continue to give you strength and peace. You are truly an inspiration!

Jennifer Teegarden MD

forrest28 said...

I saw your blog through the Jennifer Ireland site.I lost my new wife on our honeymoon when I noticed a lump on her breast. We were in Hawaii and went to the emergency room and immediately flew home and she chose not to go through chemo because she was six weeks carrying our baby. The lump turned out to be cancerous. She fought and the feuts die and she lost her fight 6 days later. By education Iam a pharmacist, but i no longer pratice. I mainly just lay in bed and sleep and dream which is the only way that I can feel close to her. We had known each other since first grade. Also, a good bottle of Jack daniels helps a lot also. Xanax does also make it more tolerable with a few vicodin. I will pray for you and your loved ones and I wish only you the best. I use the library computer so I dont have an account, but I know you have your own battles. God bless and may yo beat the ugly disease before it take another beautiful lady. I will check back here if you think I have any words of wisdom of words for you I will be glad to help you anyway I can. Blessings to you. Forrest