Well, I am finally up and able to write. These past few days have been, well, to be honest, hell! I suffered from SEVERE anxiety and agitation, uncontrollable jerking, crawling out of my skin and just plain feeling miserable! I was in bed from the time I got home from chemo until I got my pump taken off yesterday. When I did get my pump off they gave me fluids and then I had to go get an MRI last night, which thankfully turned out negative. Just before going into get my MRI my back started really hurting and I needed my pain medication which I hadn't taken in several days. My dad and Doug came to a possible conclusion that maybe I was having this agitation because of withdrawal. It is highly possible. I had run out of my long acting pain medication a few days before and hadn't gotten it filled and I wasn't feeling good the day before chemo and was already getting agitated Tuesday morning before chemo even started. I took my pain medication last night and felt a calm come over me. That scares me that pain medication can do such a thing and that it is right now needed in my body, I think the key down the road would be to taper the medication so I don't have withdrawal, if this were the case.
I am feeling so much better today and so glad to have these past few days over with. I really was mentally having a very difficult time and wanting to just give up because it was so hard, I just didn't feel like i could do it anymore! I hate to admit that but it was getting the best of me! I am glad that I should have the next month off of chemo so I can regain strength to face surgery. Another source of some anxiety in me as well!
I want to thank you all sooo much for helping me through this, my husband, who is incredible and I can't get through this without, my family and his family, my neighbors, Angie who helped so much this week, my friends and my blog friends. Your unending support brings tears to my eyes! I can't thank you enough. We put Ella in an extra day of daycare because we didn't know how I was going to do today. I can't wait to see her smiling face and really get to play with her. All I could do these past few days is raise my head off the pillow and say "hello baby" to her! I just hope I don't have to keep going through this forever. I hope this surgery is successful so I can lead a somewhat normal life and continue to take care of my daughter, myself.
I am really looking to God and continuing to strengthen my faith in him, as I just read, We entrust him with our lives! I have to do that and believe that he will perform that miracle in me. I pray for all of you out there suffering as I have. This is not any easy battle and I wish you strength, courage, perserverance and peace. Michele, I am praying for you. Uncle Glen, papa, you too! You all are in my prayers constantly. Ella is learning to pray along with her mommy! I also want to thank my sister for her role. You all don't get an email but she sends an email out to a lot of friends and family. She started this when I was first diagnosed and the list grew and grew. She is so eloquent with her words and her faith is so strong. I am so glad to have such a wonderful sister who is there for me! I am so glad that she and her family are close to me now. I need her so much. THank you Dre! I hope you all have a great weekend. Please enjoy each moment you feel good, it is so taken for granted and as Ella says "oh my gosh" it is great to feel good! I actually just accidently typed it is great to feel God, I believe that too! Love always, shawndra