Well, things were looking good until yesterday. I got a call that something in my rectum area lit up on the PET/CT scan. They aren't sure what it is , if it is more cancer, so I am scheduled for a CAT scan with contrast tomorrow morning around 10-11. This really upset me and I am having a hard time emotionally. I was getting myself prepared to stop chemo and move forward with everything and now I am in limbo land again. I am also scared, the fear of dying and leaving my daughter without her mother, that is my biggest fear. I am still going to fight and do everything I can, but this makes me feel like I am drowning and trying to keep my head above water. It feels like a battle that is very difficult to win! Most don't win. I did go and see a psychologist the other day who specifically deals with cancer patients and I was very impressed by her. I will be seeing her again and hopefully can deal with all this pent up emotion. As I told her, I have prided myself on being a strong, independent, non emotional person. I don't know why, but I just did. I don't necessarily feel that way anymore. I still try to be strong, as you all who know me can see, but I am working on the emotional part. We also discussed the fact that I don't want to burden people, maybe some of you out there know what I am talking about. I know so many of you have offered to help me and I don't often take you up on it because I don't want to be a burden. I will just do it myself, ya know. anyway, I need to be better at that and asking for what I need.
My hope is that this scan tomorrow shows that this may be something else, not more cancer. Please pray for this to be the case. I don't want to go backwards, but I want to move forward. My whole life has been placed on hold. I should be in my prime, building my family, my career, etc. But that has all been halted and I don't know if I will get any of it back.
Sorry to bring you all down, I am just venting and expressing my feelings as they come. This is kind of like my journal, except my real journal may have cuss words in it, hehe.
I hope I have better news the next time I write. I will let you all know. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!!!! shawndra