Thursday, July 12, 2007

Difficult time

Well, things were looking good until yesterday. I got a call that something in my rectum area lit up on the PET/CT scan. They aren't sure what it is , if it is more cancer, so I am scheduled for a CAT scan with contrast tomorrow morning around 10-11. This really upset me and I am having a hard time emotionally. I was getting myself prepared to stop chemo and move forward with everything and now I am in limbo land again. I am also scared, the fear of dying and leaving my daughter without her mother, that is my biggest fear. I am still going to fight and do everything I can, but this makes me feel like I am drowning and trying to keep my head above water. It feels like a battle that is very difficult to win! Most don't win. I did go and see a psychologist the other day who specifically deals with cancer patients and I was very impressed by her. I will be seeing her again and hopefully can deal with all this pent up emotion. As I told her, I have prided myself on being a strong, independent, non emotional person. I don't know why, but I just did. I don't necessarily feel that way anymore. I still try to be strong, as you all who know me can see, but I am working on the emotional part. We also discussed the fact that I don't want to burden people, maybe some of you out there know what I am talking about. I know so many of you have offered to help me and I don't often take you up on it because I don't want to be a burden. I will just do it myself, ya know. anyway, I need to be better at that and asking for what I need.
My hope is that this scan tomorrow shows that this may be something else, not more cancer. Please pray for this to be the case. I don't want to go backwards, but I want to move forward. My whole life has been placed on hold. I should be in my prime, building my family, my career, etc. But that has all been halted and I don't know if I will get any of it back.
Sorry to bring you all down, I am just venting and expressing my feelings as they come. This is kind of like my journal, except my real journal may have cuss words in it, hehe.
I hope I have better news the next time I write. I will let you all know. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!!!! shawndra

51 comments:

Anonymous said...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realise it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is costly, care for it.
Life is wealth, keep it.
Life is love, enjoy it.
Life is mystery, know it.
Life is a promise, fulfil it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
- Mother Teresa


The most important medicine is tender love and care.
- Mother Teresa

Anonymous said...

Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is bliss, taste it.
Life is a dream, realise it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is costly, care for it.
Life is wealth, keep it.
Life is love, enjoy it.
Life is mystery, know it.
Life is a promise, fulfil it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
- Mother Teresa


The most important medicine is tender love and care.
- Mother Teresa

Anonymous said...

LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST
Don't let go of Hope
Hope gives you the strength to keep going when you feel like giving up

Don't ever quit believing in Yourself
As long as you believe you Can, you will have reason for Trying

Don't let anyone hold your Happiness in their Hands;
Hold it in yours, so it will always be within your Reach

Don't measure success or failure by material wealth,
But by how you Feel;
Our feelings determine the richness of our Lives

Don't let bad moments overcome You;
Be patient, and they will pass

Don't hesitate to reach out for Help;
We all need it from time to time

Don't run away from love but towards Love
Because it is your deepest Joy

Don't wait for what you want to come to You
Go after it with all that You are, knowing that Life will meet you Halfway

Don't feel like you've lost when plans and dreams fall short of your hopes
Anytime you learn something new about Yourself or about Life, you have progressed

Don't do anything that takes away from your Self-Respect
Feeling good about Yourself is essential to feeling good about Life

Don't ever forget how to Laugh
Or be too proud to Cry
Or too stubborn to Smile

Don't ever forget a friend who truly loves You
As it could be that friend who is true to your Needs

Don't ever forget who helped you Grow as your need for more seeds may often re-appear

With all the above, Live Life to its Fullest ....…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Life Isn’t Always Easy

Anonymous said...

Life Isn’t Always Easy

Life can be unfair at times when you must maintain faith and never let go.

It is especially during the difficult times that you must live your life to its fullest potential.

Those are the times to triumph over circumstances with hope and courage.

Life isn’t always easy, but if you keep going and persevere to the very best of your ability,

You will gain strength to manage the new challenges ahead.

Each goal that you reach is another important step forward.

Believe that there are bright and wonderful days ahead for you and you will find them.

By Mary A. Rothman

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,
I hope you find strength, guidance and peace in the quotes I posted. It captured so eloquently what I could not say. WE LOVE YOU, SHAWNDRA!!!

The Palmer Family

Anonymous said...

Shawndra...just happened to catch your post today...I'm praying for you as I type this that your test came back with wonderful results. Please keep us posted as you will have many people out here praying for you!!!!
-a friend in Nebraska

sue said...

I so know how you feel Shawndra, It is hard to say,' live for today', and don't worry about tomorrow, but this is what I try to do everyday! It has helped me at the really rough times like now for you. Please enjoy your family and laugh and try,try,try to shut your brain off when you start to get scared and depressed. Also, if you have time--read my blog and see what I am doing by taking matters into my own hands...not just my Dr's. I am praying for you girl! Sue

Anonymous said...

Shawndra~just started reading your blog on a regular babsis and saw today's post. Hopefully, (keeping fingers crossed)your test will come back with good results. Please keep us posted as you have many people out here praying for you!!!!
-a friend in Georgia

Andrea said...

Shawny-
Just remember the power of prayer and the power of positive thinking. Tomorrow put all those positive thoughts in your head and imagine the "spot" being nothing - will it away!! Use the power in your head and from GOD to dissolve this "thing".
I'm praying for you and encourage you to pray and rely on the verse:
Psalm 86: 1-7
"Incline your ear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Preserve my life, for I am devoted to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; be gracious to me, O Lord, for to you do I cry all day long. Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call on you. Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer; listen to my cry of supplication. In the day of my trouble I call on you, for you will answer me."
Steadfast in prayer,
Dre

Anonymous said...

I have been going through the exact same thing the last several days with PET scan results. We are thinking mine is probably due to recent high dose radiation in the area with the bright spot. They are having me have another scan in a few weeks. I pray yours is the same type of thing.
What you are going through makes me feel so fortunate. My kids are now young adults. I pray you can beat this. Your story makes me feel like I have nothing to complain about.
I met you one day near the end of June at KCCC. I told you I knew the Ireland's. You looked so healthy that day. Give that baby hugs and more hugs! She is adorable!
By the way, did you get a scan at Menorah this week? Someone there looked just like you!

jme said...

Shawndra, it is human to have the reaction you are. Lord knows you deserve a little pity party. Now pick yourself up and dust yourself off and kiss that baby girl...suck in her love...and face tomorrow. Lots of love and prayers coming at you from Minnesota. jme

kelley said...

Think Positive, like Andrea said. Those thoughts and prayers from within as well as from many others will guide you through this tough time. Always know that you have an army of people that are there for you.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could shoulder your worries and let you enjoy that beautiful daughter and wonderful husband. Instead I'll just pray that the coming week will bring you good news and new-found confidence.

-Chris Ireland

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra!
We are so sorry that you are having such a struggle. We pray that the scan tomorrow shows that everything is okay. We will be thinking about you!!
The Chu Family

Anonymous said...

Shawndra-

Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family! We are here for you!

The Mudge's

Angie said...

Look at that-people all over the country are praying for you! I'm so proud to call you my friend and I will be thinking of you and praying for you tonight and tomorrow especially!! Lots of love to you and your family!!! Ang

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,
I have been praying the following prayer for you lately, so I thought I'd share it with you. It's from a book that's especially for mothers. May tomorrow especially be one of those times when you feel God's love surrounding you.
Lord, may I render at least as much spiritual assistance to Shawndra as others are rendering medically. Keep Shawndra under your special care; I pray you grant her many graces.

Love,
Tricia Vogel and Family

Anonymous said...

Dearest Shawndra,
I cannot stop thinking about you and your family and wishing you all were not having to go through this. Keep your chin up my friend. I will be praying for you tomorrow. Be strong.
Miki

Anonymous said...

When you cannot see the way and you feel like you are losing your grip...Jesus is there holding you and it is ok to let go. He is trustworthy.

You and your family are in my prayers. Praying for good news and strength to move forward.

hugs from an e-friend,
jean hill

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,
I dont know what you are going through but I do know that you are loved by many people and by God and we are all here for you. Love The Ellingtons PS I have never considered you a burden and I expect you to start letting me watch Ella more often!!
Psalms 55:22
"Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you"

Anonymous said...

Shawn D -

I cannot count the number of times I have read your posts and thought to myself how much I admire your strength and your positive attitude. I know those traits will prevail, because they are what make you who you are.

Please know that in these times of need, it's o.k. to let your support network be your strength and your positive attitude for you. It gives us a chance to give back.

I'm praying hard for you! I hope tomorrow goes well. And the tomorrow after that. And the one after that.

Love you lots!
Dawner

Lisa said...

I knew there was a reason I checked your blog today. I will certainly update my prayers for you and send another your way tomorrow for the scan.

Lisa in Lee's Summit

Anonymous said...

Shawndra, I am praying HARD for you tonight and tomorrow. Keep your chin up. Looking forward to hearing better news tomorrow.
All my love and prayers, Julie

j rilinger said...

Shawndra---praying for you along with so many others. Thank you so much for sharing with us--Jill

Christina said...

Shawndra-
As a mother of a little one, I can only imagine the fear of leaving your daughter without a mother. I don't know how you have stayed as strong as you have. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless,
Christina, Olathe

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawndra,
I wish I had the right words to comfort you and take away some of your fears and pain. Please try to remember all who love you and ALL who are praying specifically for you. Your are blessed by all who are asking God to answer our prayers. Be proud in the fact that you have turned so many people "on to God." Also know the impact you are making on all your readers...their lives are changing because of people like you and my Jen.
May the peace of God be with you tomorrow during your testing.
With many prayers and much love,
Jan Velander

Anonymous said...

Shawndra, Of course I have been reading your blog since the beginning and I just knew I had to check on you. Sweetie, I will pray hard for it to be nothing at all and that you can continue your move forward to happy, healthy life. I know how strong you are and how much you have given to your recovery and your family. You will get through this and your strength is what you need more now that ever. Positive thoughts are coming your way and I wish you peace in your mind. Lots of love, Melodie Chrisman

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you and your family.

Karie

Anonymous said...

Shawndra, I read your site daily and you are such a strong brave woman. I am praying for you and your family.
Nicole

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,
I have been reading your blog since it was posted on the Jennifer Ireland foundation. You have amazing strength that is so easy to see that even those, like myself, who have never met you can "feel". You'll be alright. You have so many people praying for you and your family. Stay strong and stay positive. We're all trying to fight with you.

Carrie said...

I came here from Heather's blog. I'm praying for you and your family!
God bless :)

bjk said...

Heather is directing us here and just wanted you to know you are in my prayers....I live in Liberty and just wanted to say good morning...praying for you becky

Meg said...

Hi. My name is Meg. I live in Virginia. I came to your blog by way of Epsecially Heather today. I will begin to pray for you today and check up on you from time to time. My prayers are with you, your hubby and your daughter. Blessings, Meg

Paulette said...

Shawndra,
I came by the way of another dear person who has in the past several months found out she had brain cancer. Her name is Heather,people have been flocking to her site and she puts out the word to others that are struggling with cancer, so we may all support you in prayer.
There are so many many who are dealing with this, yet you are not alone and I will commit to pray for you and your family Shawndra.
Blessings

Anonymous said...

I am another visitor here from Heather's blog. I keep tabs on her daily and will now be checking in on you as well. :) I will be keeping you in my prayers. Stay strong!

Lori from Texas

Monkey Giggles said...

Good Morning Shawdra,
I came hear through Especially Heather's blog. She is at it again. She wants to share the love!!!! I am sure you will have lots of visitors today and for many days to come. These women are messengers of God. They will be bathing you in prayer. They are serious prayer warriors. Feel their love through their words.

Julie said...

Shawndra, I am so sorry for the fear, the uncertainty, the pain of your emotional journey!
I am praying that there is no more cancer -- and that you will know the peace that only God can give!

HomeSchool Mommy said...

I am new to your blog today. I hope you won't mind me returning to check on your progress.

God is in the business of healing...definitely the best doctor around. I will be in prayer for you today.

Jodi said...

Visiting from Heather site.

I will be praying for you.

Teresa said...

Found you via Especially Heather. I am praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

It is now 10 am and I was just reading your journal entry. You are probably getting ready to have your scan right now. I will be saying extra prayers for you today, both that you will receive good news about the scan & that you will feel the love of God and all of those that are praying for you.

Jennifer Teegarden MD

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra,
I found my way to your site from Especially Heather's website.
I am sorry that you have cancer and are going thru all that you do. Plese know that I am praying for you in Vail, Arizona.
Trudy

Steph said...

Shawndra - I have been a faithful reader since you started your blog which I found through the Ireland blog. I have never posted but felt compelled today. Please know I am praying for you. Take a deep breath, and keep fighting. Hopefully all our prayers will help give you the strength you need.

Anonymous said...

Hi. I found your from Heather's blog and wanted you to know that I am adding your to my prayers. Please know that you have lots of people thinking and praying for you and your family. Keep your chin up. You have a beautiful family and lots to live for.

Mandy H.
Georgia
www.madelinegracehopkins.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

I check your blog daily, along with Jennifer Ireland's. That is how I found yours. I don't comment too often, but I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers on a daily basis. I hope you feel the love of god and all the lives you have touched. You're so strong and such an inspiration to many people out there. Thinking of you,
Lisa

Amy Grant said...

I am praying for you Shawndra! If I could take your worries from you then I would. Just know that there are many others lifting up you and your family in prayer.

Enjoy each and every moment that you have with your husband and daughter. Not because you have cancer, but because that is what life is about.

love and prayers from LA

JEN said...

I am praying for u everyday..keep the faith and the Lord will take care of the rest..with christian friendship Jen Miller KC,MO

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

Give all of your worries to the Lord. He will gladly accept them. Look at Ella for comfort and strength. She will gladly take your mind of of everything without even knowing. I hope today went well and please keep us updated.

Alaina

Sun said...

I found your blog from Heather's site...my family will lift you up in prayer! May God comfort you and direct your steps as you walk through this. Cling to Him! I am so sorry you are having to walk through this. Sunshine

Jennifer F. said...

You are in my prayers.

Paulette said...

Hello Shawdra,
Just wanted to let you know I am still praying for you, I will keep checking to see how to pray.
I went back over your blog and watched the interview you had, you are very inspirational and I pray that God would heal you so you can continue to be with your beautiful daughter.
I will not quit praying!