Hello everyone- It is me, Shawndra, once again, yaaaa. Sorry I have not blogged, I haven't even touched my computer since my last post. I have been busy working on recovering, resting, and spending quality time with Ella and my family. Things have been very difficult physically and mentally for me since i have been home. My quality of life has gone down drastically since I have gotten this new tube in my stomach and TPN nutrition at night, etc. It is just overwhelming what all I have to do to live these days. I have also been thinking a lot about chemotherapy and not really wanting to continue with it. I have talked with my family who of course wants me to continue to pursue treatment but also doesn't want to see me suffer. I met with my oncologist this week to find out more about the chemotherapy he wants to put me on and if it is worth it. He was very good about telling me that either way I go is an okay option. The chemo sounds like it could have some bad side effects, horrible rash, as well as hair loss and then the general fatigue, diarrhea, etc. He said it works on about 10-20% of people and if it does work it works only for about 4-6 months. I still have my appointment but in my heart and my soul, I feel like I am done with treatment. It is not worth it to me to feel like that, make me sick and have my daughter watch me suffer, just lay there sleeping all the time with a miserable, possibly deforming rash where she couldn't recognize me. I want to live what time I have left in peace, if possible. I have been through too much! My oncologist also basically said that there is no cure especially at this stage so you all know what that means. I have a hard time writing it, tears swell up just mentioning it, but these are the facts! He promised that he and my pain doc will make sure I am comfortable from here on out and who knows how long that will be. I want to spend as much quality time with my family as I can!!
Any way you look at it, it sucks and doesn't seem fair! Atleast that is what I think. I don't want to give up on my family but I want to be at peace now. I can't live like this, I am basically home bound pretty much, except one small vacation I have coming up with my family. So this has been a very difficult time for me and I have spent many days and nights crying over all of this. This may also be why I haven't gotten on my computer. I am a pleaser and I don't want to let people down, so please respect my decision. You can't judge unless you have walked in my shoes and fought as much as I have fought but unfortunately it is a losing battle.
Today I was thinking that maybe God wants to take me home so people do get angry at him and hopefully through this somehow get closer to God and find comfort from him. Or maybe he needs me for a special duty, so look out everyone, you never know when I might reappear or how, hehe. Just kidding. Anyway, thank you for all your love and support. I will try to continue to keep up with the blog. I haven't read my email or the comments yet, so I have many to go through. You have all become my friends throughout this journey and I appreciate each one of you! I appreciate all the people from my past who have reconnected through the blog, thank you for thinking of me and reaching out. Thank you most of all to my close friends and my family who have been there for me through this very difficult time. I need you now more than ever! I will talk to you soon. I hope you all had a wonderful new year. We didn't even stay up to see midnight, just an old couple spending the night at home, it was perfect! I hope this year is a great year for all of you. I am going to try to make it as good of a year as I possibly can! all my love, shawndra