Friday, November 16, 2007

Major agitation

This has been a very rough week to say the least. I had chemo on Tuesday. Wednesday afternoon I started getting this agitation, gittery feeling. I couldn't stop shaking my legs, moving around, etc. It was like my skin was crawling. Thursday I called the Cancer Center to let them know, so they had me come in early to check it out and get my pump off. They gave me fluids and some Ativan for the agitation, which I had been taking at home. It maybe made it a little better but I was so miserable last night I just wanted to be knocked out. I took a sleeping pill and Xanax and I was out thank God! Today I am getting better. The agitation has gone away, I was still out of it a bit this morning, very light headed feeling and it has been an emotional day for me. I hate feeling like that, and being useless to my family. All I could do was lie in bed in misery. Thankfully Doug, Angie and my parents have been here to help with everything. I am glad the chemo is only a couple days every few weeks. If I had to deal with it every day, I think I would give up. It crossed my mind this time. It is so physically hard that I just want to give up and that makes me very emotional. I am starting to cry just thinking about it. How could I give up, with a wonderful husband, daughter and family relying on me. How could I do such a think to Ella. But what good am I to her in this state? Oh it has been a hard week. The good thing is it is getting better and I have to look forward, forget about it and look forward for the good things to come. I can get through a few bad days when there are more good days than bad. I have to, I don't have a choice! I WILL not give up for my little girl!!!!! I WON'T DO IT!!!!
Thanksgiving is around the corner and I have so much to be thankful for. I am alive and I have a great life, a great family, wonderful friends and support system. I have no regrets. I am so very lucky and thankful! I hope you all have a lot to be thankful for too! I will write soon on a more positive note. Shawndra

28 comments:

bahama mama said...

I'm so sorry to hear you had that awful feeling, but am happy to hear it is under control now.
I'm going to speak for everyone and say you are ALWAYS needed, wanted and of use to us all - no matter how you feel. Cancer sucks, but there are so many people sending so much love your way. Remember what Father Vince said - faith is as simple as giving and accepting love. Those are two things you can do from anywhere at anytime...even in your dreams!
Take care of yourself and don't forget to accept love and help, especially when you need it most...that's what friends and family are for.

Love, d

Naomi,Doug & Adam said...

(((Hugs))) you you Shawndra, sounds like you are going through a hellish week.
Try to keep your chin up, things will be better, and this too shall pass, you are so strong and we are praying for you!

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,
I am praying that the agitation gets better for you. I am so sorry you are having a bad week. Just remember that so many people love you and are thinking of you. You are a strong woman and will get through this rough week...Have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy all the yummy food!!!
Thinking of you often,
Melody

Anonymous said...

Hey Shawndra,
It's Jan. It's ok if you're not always SUPER SHAWNDRA! You don't always have to post happy and positive. You have every right to feel like hell, to feel badly, and to realize this all sucks! Sorry if that word is offensive to some readers, but it was the best adjective I could come up with when dealing with my daughter, Jennifer's cancer. There's no explaining or understanding it. It's just something evil out there that we, as humans, have to fight. I hate that cancer has invaded your life and your family's life. I hate that it affected our family so much and is back again, after my dad. Like I said on Jen's blog site, if cancer was just a battle of wills, I know you and my dad would win hands down. Allow yourself that down time because when you rise back up again, the feeling of joy is tremendous and appreciated so much more deeply.
Just remember that you always have hundeds of "pray-ers" sending hundreds of prayers straight to THE MAN UPSTAIRS. We've got your back.
With much love and many, many prayers,
Jan

Anonymous said...

Hang in there Shawndra....I can't imagine how difficult these days are. You are blessed though, so many people care for you and you will get through this and go on to live a long, happy, healthy life with your wonderful husby and baby girl.Your in my thoughts and prayers as always. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!Deb

Anonymous said...

Oh Shawndra, I'm so sorry to hear what a hard week you've had. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it all is for you, but know that you are being thought of and prayed for by so many. Hopefully that will give you the strength you need on the down days. I hope the worst is behind you this week, and that you and Doug and Ella have a great weekend. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Prayers to you, my friend.

Michelle

Laurie said...

Shawndra,
The hard days are so hard to take. And it's ok to be upset and letting go. Just knowing that your family loves you and wants to help is great. Prayers continue
Laurie

Becky said...

Shawndra,

It made me so sad to know that Cancer got you down like that and all the side affects. No that you have a ton of people praying for you and I know that you are so thankful for your family and friends during this beautiful time of the year....Thanksgiving for what God has given us!!!

Anonymous said...

Sending hugs your way, Shawndra. I'm sorry to hear you had a rough week. You are so important to so many people. Keep your chin up, we are all praying and fighting for you!
Love, Julie

Kelley said...

Not speaking from expierence, just from my brothers, it is VERY hard on your body, physically and mentally. I am thankful you have Ella to keep you moving forward, for I could see without such a huge force in your life that it would be so difficult not to give up. You are a strong person, use that strength to keep your mental state positive and share your life with your family.....don't waste your strength worrying that you are not there for others, there isn't a friend out there that isn't more than happy to help out when and where ever you need it. I hope you are on the upswing of this round and can enjoy the weekend, fresh air and sunshine work wonders. Have Ella give you a big hug, that's sure to put a smile on your face and in your heart.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about you and praying for you lately. I'm sure it's so difficult, not being able to be yourself. Just remember, God will never put us through something we can't handle! He knows how tough you are! Don't give up!...I can just hear my Mom saying to me when I'm down: "This too shall pass."...
Praying for you daily!
Jen in Indiana

Anonymous said...

Shawndra-

I am sorry you not feeling well! Just wanted you to know our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please know we are here for you and would be more than happy to help you and your family!

The Mudge's

Anonymous said...

Hang on to Doug's hand, Ella's smile, the prayers of friends, and most of all -- God's love.

We all wish we could make this go away for you and everyone else struggling with this and other horrible diseases.

Since we cannot...WE PRAY!
Hugs from an e-friend in Blue Springs.
jean

Anonymous said...

Shawndra, Girl you are one tough cookie!!!!! On days like that for my Mom I would call her my Webble, they Wobble but they don't fall down!!!! Ha. You CAN get through this but you are allowed to have those days sugar. You deserve those days. No one is immune from getting down during this. Ella and Doug are there for you, to love you and it's your time to depend on your family. There will be a day when you can give it back to them. You are in my thoughts and prayers at this time of thanks. I am thankful that you got through this bad time and I am thankful you know you can share it with the ones who care about you so we can give you strength. Lots of hugs to you and your family. Melodie Chrisman

Leisa said...

Shawndra, I am so sorry you're having such a rough time this week. I pray that today is a better day for you and that you're able to enjoy this gorgeous weekend. Fortunately you are on a break from the chemo for Thanksgiving week and I hope that you have a wonderful holiday with your awesome family. I just know that you will. I'm glad you were able to express some frustration in your post. What you're going through is incredibly hard and what you're feeling is so understandable. I often ask myself how in the world I would handle it the way you do if I were to be faced with it. I know it would be a challenge for me to be half as positive and upbeat as you've been through the tough times. You have a great attitude though. You know it's going to be better and just hang on to the positive thoughts you have of knowing the good days are coming. My prayers will be with you that the good days to come are twice as good as the past few bad days have been. God is good. He will see you through. Chin up! Big smile (when and if you're ready) and know we are all out here pulling for you and praying for you!!!!

Laura said...

I'm so sorry that you had a tough week. Don't feel bad though, you are entitled to have your "down" times. You are always so positive and I know that you'll pull through this and be your normal fighting-spirited mommy that you are. I hope you have a great holiday and please know that you're still in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Shawndra...Your sweet little Ella is so fortunate to have a mother like you. You are such a picture of strength and courage. Stay strong and keep the faith. You are in my prayers.
Wendy(a fellow nurse)

Anonymous said...

Dear Shawndra-
Thank you for sharing your feelings with everyone so we know how to pray for you and your family. Your bravery and fight is an inspiration to all who follow your blog. Praying for comfort and strength and for your chemo to do its job!
Love, Marilyn & Jim

Anonymous said...

Dearest Shwandra.

I talked to your mother yesterday over the phone. I'm back safe and sound from Brazil. I trusted my body guard and guardian angel:GOD, to be with me in all this journey, and HE DID IT. You're in my daily thoughts where ever I am. SO YOU ARE, TO GOD.
HE'S ALWAYS WITH YOU, WATCHING OVER YOUR WHOLE FAMILY, KNOWING ALL YOUR FEELINGS AND NEEDS. HE LOVES YOU AS YOU ARE, YOU'RE VERY SPECIAL TO HIM, AS WE ALL ARE, SINCE WE'RE HIS CHILDREN, AND HE'S OUR FATHER.

Let your feelings out, talk to HIM,
and you will feel peace taking over you. It doesn't matter that you can't do the basicS of taking care of a household like cleaning, cooking, or watching every little thing, the main point is LOVE.
LOVE, YOUR DEAREST ELLA, HUSBAND AND FAMILY, AND YOU'LL BE REWARDED, AS YOU ALREADY ARE.

GO ON WITH THE FIGHT FOR LIFE AMONG YOUR LOVED ONES.

MUCH LOVE,
ROSWITA

Marie said...

Oh my goodness! That picture of your little girl on the previous post with b'day cake is so gorgeous it made my heart burst! What a beautiful perfect little face that is. And yes you cannot give up - for that little face.
Hang in there, soon you will feel better.

Hugs,
Marie

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you had a rough week. I am praying for you and your family that the weeks to come will be better. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Thinking of you
Lindsay

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

I am so sorry to hear what a rough week you are having. You are right, you CANNOT give up.. You have way too much to fight for. Only satan would give you thoughts of giving up. I will be praying that God will give you the strength that you need to get through this rough spell and any future hard days ahead.

The picture you added from Ella's birthday is so sweet. I love her cake!!

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,

I am so sorry to hear what a rough week you are having. You are right, you CANNOT give up.. You have way too much to fight for. Only satan would give you thoughts of giving up. I will be praying that God will give you the strength that you need to get through this rough spell and any future hard days ahead.

The picture you added from Ella's birthday is so sweet. I love her cake!!

Anonymous said...

Having been in this battle myself this past year, I think you are more than entitled to let go and "lose it" after going through all you have been going through. When you feel awful it is pretty difficult to be optimistic. At times I was took weak to even sit at this computer. Even that made me cry. Have a great big "pity party" now and then. If you aren't entitled to one, I'd like to know who is!

Lisa said...

Oh I hate to hear that you had such a crappy experience this time! Jan is right...Cancer does Suck. There is just no other way to put it. I have so had you in my prayers. ok...that was from blogger/friend Lisa...now...Nurse Lisa wants to know what was the aggitation from? The chemo or a pre-med? When I was in the ER a few weeks ago with a migraine they gave me Reglan for the nausea and I had a "reaction" to it. I couldn't sit still...wanted a cigarette and I DO NOT smoke. Yes, I was agitated. A little IV benadryl did the trick and I was in la la land...a long with 100 of fentanyl too!! I do hope this week finds you feeling better. The next two day are supposed to be great weather here in KC!! In my language that spells retail therapy girl!!! :-) Have a great week!!

Anonymous said...

GOOD MONDAY MORNING TO YOU SHAWDRA,
I WAS SADDENED TO READ THAT YOU WERE HAVING SUCH A TOUGH TIME LAST WEEK...BUT JOYED TO READ ON FURTHER TO SEE U ARE FEELING BETTER AND WONT GIVE UP THE FIGHT...KEEP THE FAITH MY FRIEND...I HAVE MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR TO INCLUDE U DEAR SHAWNDRA...AS WE HAVE NEVER MET BUT I FEEL I KNOW U AND WHAT I DO KNOW IS YOU ARE A STRONG, LOVING, DRIVEN LADY THAT GIVES ME THAT SAME THING EACH DAY....HAPPY THANKSGIVING ......WITH CHRISTIAN FRIENDSHIP AND PRAYER JEN MILLER, KC, MO

Anonymous said...

Worried about you. Just hope you have been busy with the holiday, etc. Wishing you no pain and good health. Hope you have been spending wonderful times with loved ones. Praying for healing. Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

congrats shawndra, you guys are front and center in minute 53 of oprah today!! you looked great, good choice of outfits! and great to see you! -becca