This has been a very rough week to say the least. I had chemo on Tuesday. Wednesday afternoon I started getting this agitation, gittery feeling. I couldn't stop shaking my legs, moving around, etc. It was like my skin was crawling. Thursday I called the Cancer Center to let them know, so they had me come in early to check it out and get my pump off. They gave me fluids and some Ativan for the agitation, which I had been taking at home. It maybe made it a little better but I was so miserable last night I just wanted to be knocked out. I took a sleeping pill and Xanax and I was out thank God! Today I am getting better. The agitation has gone away, I was still out of it a bit this morning, very light headed feeling and it has been an emotional day for me. I hate feeling like that, and being useless to my family. All I could do was lie in bed in misery. Thankfully Doug, Angie and my parents have been here to help with everything. I am glad the chemo is only a couple days every few weeks. If I had to deal with it every day, I think I would give up. It crossed my mind this time. It is so physically hard that I just want to give up and that makes me very emotional. I am starting to cry just thinking about it. How could I give up, with a wonderful husband, daughter and family relying on me. How could I do such a think to Ella. But what good am I to her in this state? Oh it has been a hard week. The good thing is it is getting better and I have to look forward, forget about it and look forward for the good things to come. I can get through a few bad days when there are more good days than bad. I have to, I don't have a choice! I WILL not give up for my little girl!!!!! I WON'T DO IT!!!!
Thanksgiving is around the corner and I have so much to be thankful for. I am alive and I have a great life, a great family, wonderful friends and support system. I have no regrets. I am so very lucky and thankful! I hope you all have a lot to be thankful for too! I will write soon on a more positive note. Shawndra