Monday, June 18, 2007

No thinking

Well I had my 10th round of chemo today. It went pretty well. There is always a time when I am there that I get a bit sick feeling but it always passes. Then I just get really tired, physically. That is how I feel now. My brain is going a million miles a minute but my body is so tired. I hate it. I have my tingly fingers and throat with cold things, I wore oven mits to get stuff out of the fridge and freezer tonight. My nose feels dry, I think that is a side effect of the chemo, anybody elses feel like that. Otherwise I am good, I will try to rest some tomorrow and hopefully perk up in the next few days. I have 3 weeks off, they decided just to skip the week of the 4th of July. I will go back the following Monday for my 11th round. It sounds nice to have 3 weeks off but I don't want it to allow things to start growing inside, ya know.

Today has been an emotional day for me off and on throughout the day. I think just sitting in the chemo treatment room, trying to rest gave me a lot of time just to think. Ella usually distracts me enough so I don't think about all that is going on. She is a miracle to me! I thought some about my ostomy and how I want to get rid of it. I don't talk about it much on this site because I didnt' want people to really know. But I guess it is a part of this experience. I can hide it fairly well but it is constantly on my mind and mentally difficult to have it. For the most part it isn't bad but I feel like it limits my activities, even though is shouldn't. I called my surgeon today to see if I can convince her to take it down (get rid of it) but I am sure she is going to say not until atleast I am done with chemo which who knows when that will be. I figured all I can do is try, right?

The other thing I thought about today that made me cry was children. As most of you probably know, I had to have a total hysterectomy.. uterus and ovaries, with my surgery because some of it was affected with cancer. I am so grateful to have Ella, sooooooo grateful! But I did want another child so Ella would have a sibling to grow up with. But you know there are many days that having just Ella is perfectly fine with me, two sounds exhausting. But I still had hopes of one more. Now, my sister agreed awhile ago to carry one for us, since we did do fertility stuff when I was diagnosed. But I worry about that as well. I don't want anything to happen to my sister, I would never forgive myself if it did. I also think that if something does happened to me, Doug would be left with double duty and I know he is concerned about that as well. It just made me sad thinking that I can't have another one. You know when someone tells you you can't, it's hard to accept.

The third time I really got upset today, I think there were 4 total, one was random though, I don't remember why, hehe. (my poor husband had to put up with all this by the way, he is a miracle in my life as well) The third time Doug and I just put Ella to bed and had her music on in her room. The song "Only Time" by Enya came on. I love this song, and what it has to say. If you get a chance, take a moment to listen to this song if you have access to it. I was going to try to get Doug to put it on the site, I don't know if this is possible, we will see.

I will finish there, enough emotion for one day. That is why I titled this No thinking, it is not good for me, but it is good to cry once in awhile, I guess. I hope you cherish what you all have, your family, husbands (if you have them), children (if you have them) or single life (that is nice too!). Cherish it all and let it be know to those people you do cherish, don't wait! I do. I cherish all of you who are supporting me and helping me through this trying time. Thank you! shawndra


Andrea said...

I wanted to point out how appropriate the rain is this evening. First, I know you love to lounge during the rain, so maybe it's a sign to relax and take it easy. Also, with your emotions today, do you remember as kids we said that the rain was God crying. Remember that when you are upset and crying, He is right there with you, holding you and loving YOU, His child. I love you so much and hope tomorrow is a better day!
My love,

Anonymous said...

Hey Shawndra,
We must have been on the same wave length today because I had some meltdowns today too. Water, though is cleansing and purifying and a good cry is sometimes necessary. Actually, I think "a good cry" is an oxymoron (sp?)because at the time of the actual crying, there's nothing good about it. But I'm trying to find the rainbow, trying to make some sense of this all, trying to persevere. You are helping me through my grief for Jen. Your strength, your courage, your toughness, your spirit, are signs from Jen.
I think you are incredible, and the sun will shine tomorrow and we will thank God for another day on this earth loving the ones closest to our hearts.
As always you remain in my constant prayers...

Anonymous said...

Shaundra, you are an amazing woman. You inspire me. Thank you for your strength. I wish you and your wonderful family the best. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Shawndra,
We are coming back to Kansas City
tomorrow.We went to Hershey Park last Sunday and Saturday.We also went To Hershey Chocolate World!
On Saturday We Took The Tour at Hershey World. Milk is The most inportent ingredeint in milk chocolate.And we bought a Medium sized Hershey kiss,Rainbow Twizlers,Chocolate Bubble Yum,Hershey Bars And me and Olivia Got cases full of difrent Typse of Chocolate Yum,Yun,Yum.We are Going to give you the medium Hershey Kiss.

Anonymous said...

i hope the hersye kiss will make you fell beter.

Victoria Palmer

Anonymous said...

Shawndra, I had a feeling I needed to check your blog today for some reason. Now I know. I am sure sitting in the Chemo room is a time to reflect on why you are there in the first place. I remember holding my Mom's hand and going to her appointments and we talked about all the things you and Doug are talking about (a little different cause she was my Mom) Ha. Only one person truly knows where our tomorrows will take us. I know that because of you and Jen I hold my children a little closer, try not to yell when they clearly need it (hehe), and embrace this thing we call our day in our life. You are doing an amazing job of embracing all that you have and all that you wish for. I still have that feeling you know, that one we talked about. Hang in there sugar, we are sending lots of love and prayers your way. Melodie Chrisman

sue said...

I am on the same wave lenght today also. I am having some serious heart side effects from the chemo I am on and I NEED it for stage 4 colon/liver cancer! I don't know what to do or think. I am praying for you're so young and your family needs you so....

julie said...

You are such a brave person! I can only imagine the fear you must be feeling. God performs miracles everyday-Don't Forget That!!!!!

Leisa said...


I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. My heart goes out to you. You really do so well with it all. You're in my prayers and I'm pulling for you and keeping up with your progress. I found your blog sometime back through Jennifer Ireland's blog and found hers through another I was following on a 19 year old girl with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (Courtney Davis). I became interested in what others lives were like going through this difficult disease & treatment process after seeing my mother go through chemo & radiation for breast cancer and then being diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia just 5 months after her last radiation treatment. This was one of the rare side effects of the type of chemo she received that we weren't told about and we lost her 26 days after her diagnosis because her body that was already compromised from the treatments for breast cancer wasn't strong enough to withstand the powerful treatment that is given for Leukemia and we lost her at the way too early age of 59. That was 17 months ago and I still can't make heads or tails of it. And I look at other peoples stories trying to learn more about this disease (cancer) and what can possibly be done to better the lives, treatment and outcome for the many (way too many) people who are diagnosed every day. I hope that in little ways I can make a difference even if it's just to post some positive words to someone who needs it. And in other ways by supporting every cause I can manage to support to fund research for easier treatments and more opportunity for cures.

It's refreshing to hear your story and hear what a really good life you are leading and enjoying as you go through all this. You're so positive and loving and appreciative of everything around you. You are blessed with hope. You are clearly one that deserves for God to work his miracles on because it's quite obvious from following your blog that this world is a better place with you in it. I get a peaceful feeling about your direction in this process. I don't know what it is. But I've read some other blogs and have not had this peaceful of a feeling before. I feel that God has big plans for you and your work here on this earth remains to be be done.

God Bless You Shawndra! Keep your positive outlook. It's paramount and very powerful. Keep your faith and you will be in my prayers daily.


jrilinger said...

Shawndra---praying for you.

Anonymous said...

You help us all put things in perspective, to see the big picture, to not be bothered by the small stuff. Because you are climbing moutains every day yourself when we all just have little hills to climb. Know that we all love you and pray for you daily. Dee

Anonymous said...

Only you know how hard it is to handle what you're going through.
All any one can say, can seem meaningless to you.
What can I say when I read your blog today?
Great you let it all out.
It helps, doesn't it?
Have you ever thought that you are a very highly spiritual person, and that this very hard task God has given you is making you get closer to HIM, so you can be ready for better or worse? Make the best effort to give yourself a break of thinking and thinking, relax your mind as much as you can, and feel that whatever happens, God is with you and all is and will be taken care of by HIM. Have you ever read this message-
Good morning. This is God. Have a nice day.!!
Always praying and wishing you the best of luck.
Much love,