I am happy to report that I have gotten through my funk and am feeling much better both physically and emotionally! I had a rough 3 days last week where I just cried off and on and couldn't stop at times. But I have no more tears left in me so I have stopped crying for now! I think that around the time of chemo is difficult for me, my body is tired. When I have the pump on I almost feel chained down. So both of those feelings as well as just not being able to do all I want to do is mentally challenging. Don't worry, I think I am going to seek some help with those feelings, one of the nurses at the cancer center saw my uncontrollable crying and gave me a name of someone who specifically counsels cancer patients. She is supposed to be excellent, so I think I might check her out!
I have my bloodwork today, I think they are drawing a CEA (tumor marker) level, so I am interested to see how that comes out. Otherwise this week is calm and so far fairly uneventful.
We, as usual, had a busy weekend. I went with some neighbors to dreamdinners, one of those places where you prepare your meals and then take them home and freeze them. This is definitely my kind of cooking!! It is great fun. We got to have dinner afterwards and had a great time, thanks ladies! Saturday we had a wedding in the evening. It was a wonderful wedding, but we should have gotten a babysitter for Ella, she was a bit stir-crazy. We had lunch with a couple yesterday, who we hadn't seen in awhile, it was great to catch up with them. I got to have dinner with my nurse practitioner's that I work with. It was great to get to see them and catch up on some work gossip. It really makes me miss being at work though.
I think part of my mental sadness as well is that I want my life back. I love my life now, but I had my life put together before this diagnosis. I had a great job part time, I was with Ella the other days and everything was set! I knew what I wanted. Now, everything is so up in the air, there is no decisiveness, just "we have to just wait and see how things go", which drives me crazy. I don't know what I want anymore for my life, besides to live and take care of my family. I am such a planner in my life that it is very difficult to sit around and wait to see what this chemo will do. I hope this makes sense. As usual, I feel like I am rattling on with no point.... no hypothesis.
What I do know is I love my daughter, my husband (even though we have our moments, right honey, hehe), and I love my family and friends. I am so blessed with people. I also believe that this is a lesson for me, I need to learn patience in life, I am the type of person that wants everything immediately, if not yesterday. I need to be more patient. I think God is wanting me to learn this from my experience. God... I am trying very hard!!! I am working on it, but it is driving me crazy, just kidding. I like to tease him just a little bit, as I do everyone.
I better go, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to the cancer center I go....
I will let you know how the results come out, when I get them. Have a great week everyone. Don't forget, next week is a short one with the 4th of July coming up, yaaaa! The 4th is one of my favorite days of the year. love, shawndra