Tuesday, December 11, 2007

So long

Gosh it feels like I haven't written forever. I actually did write a blog on Saturday afternoon, but as soon as I went to send it an error occurred on the computer and lost it. Ugh, don't you hate that when that happens, so frustrating! Ella has been sick for the past several days with really high fevers mostly. She did have strange skin irritation or rash in the middle of the night one night and one night, as she ended up sleeping in our bed she was breathing so heavily, it scared me. It's one of those things where you sit there and think, do I need to take her in to the ER or wait it out. I am sure all parents have experienced this! She is doing much better now though and we actually sent her off to her new daycare this morning. Long story but we had to change daycare's since our old one was making some changes and it was going to be too far to go for us. She did great this morning, she saw all the fun toys and was off, gave us a kiss and said bye. So we felt good about leaving her, which is always a relief.

I actually have chemo today, it is later in the morning because I also meet with my doctor and he usually doesn't get to clinic until atleast 10 or 10:30. It is actually nice though, so I don't have to get up really early and feel rushed to get there. The weather was threatening to be very bad with a lot of ice this morning, but the roads aren't bad at all from what we have experienced. So I will shortly be off to another round of chemo. They are not going to give me the steroid I believe, this time, so hopefully I won't get the agitation at all. Last time I had it only for the first night but that was definitely enough for me.

Right now I am feeling okay, I am having even more back pain and can't seem to get it under control these past few days. I am also having problems with my bladder/ureteral stent. I am having pain when I go to the bathroom so I am going to once again push to have my urine tested today and if nothing shows up I may have to go check things out with my urologist. Otherwise I am great!

Leisa- thank you for your recent post. I am so sorry to hear about your husband's friend and the families two loses. How devastating is that! I am very glad to hear about your daughter on the other hand!!!

I was checking on Ella last night before I got in bed, as I always do. As I was watching her sleep and stroking her hair, I was praying and was at a lose as to what to pray for. I always pray that I survive and beat the cancer so I can live and take care of my daughter. But I realized there have been so many women who have lost there lives who also have young children. As much as I pray and hope I am not guaranteed that I will survive. These other women were needed by there children just like I believe Ella is needed by me. Why would I be any different than these other women, ya know? So I had a hard time with this last night. Thankfully Doug was there and we had a great conversation as we lie in bed but it wasn't a conversation we expected to have. We talked about what if I didn't live. There are just no guarantees. I will do whatever I can do but as Leisa also mentioned nobody is guaranteed tomorrow.

You are all probably so tired of hearing that. But it that is just what was going through my head last night. So I will leave it at that. This is all for now... oh, I didn't make it to the doctor at KU last week. Ella being sick and I was ssoooo tired from being up all night with her, I switched it back to the original date, which is this friday. So I will know more about that after this week.

Thank you for all your love and support. I hope everyone is enjoying the Holiday season with the gorgeous lights, decorations, songs and just that feel in the air. Christmas is coming soon. Weeeee. I feel like a little kid again. (Probably because we watch TIgger and Pooh's christmas movie EVERY day sometimes more than once a day, ugh)

Ta Ta for now, shawndra

14 comments:

Kelley said...

How can one ever tire of Tigger and Pooh! I am happy to hear Ella is on the mend, sick little ones is very taxing as you tend to worry about them since they can't really tellyou all that is not feeling well. As much as I don't like to think about the conversation you and your husband had, it is a fact. I suppose covering all bases is better than over staffing first base. I didn't read the other Mothers post, but from your statement I asseme her daughters results come back on a positive note, that's great. We too lost a young friend last week to cancer. He was 48 and a father to a 22 yr old daughter and a 19 year old son. This pattern is really getting old! As always, we will sontinue to pray that you are the exception. Not that you are more deserving than any of the ones that have lost the battle, just that there are exceptions, and we pray you are one! Be careful on your drive today, good luck for the rest of the week with recovery and feedback on friday. Hang in there little girl, you have alot of folks rooting for ya.

kelley said...

Boy, I guess that's why you proof read before sending!

Robin Junker said...

Shawndra-

I have been reading your blog for sometime now and I want you to know that you and your family are in my prayers. I live about 100 miles south of KC in a little town called Liberal, MO. You have touched my heart as I know you have so many other people.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra,

I'm glad to hear Ella is on the mend...that is scary parent stuff when little ones are sick with high fevers!

You know that I am praying for you everyday. Stay strong this week, I hope chemo goes okay for you. I'll be thinking of you.

Prayers to you, my friend.

Michelle

Leisa said...

Hi Shawndra. Glad Ella is feeling better. I remember when my twin daughters were babies. One of them had high fevers that turned in to a rash and I did take her to the doctor for it. They told me it was Roseola (sp?)and was common. About a week later, the other one came down with it too. And this time I didn't have to go to the doctor as I was able to diagnose it myself :). I don't know if that's what Ella had. But it just brought back a memory. Of course, a distant memory since my twin babies are now 19.

I hope chemo goes well today. I've come to dread chemo week for you too. I always feel better for you when I know it's your off week and I know you're enjoying things so much more. Hopefully it will go much smoother without the steroids.

I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling. It absolutely stinks to be in pain. I have lived with back and now neck pain for about 6 years. I've been told I have a herniated disc in my Thorasic spine (between T-10 & 11 in the left paracentral, if you know where that is from being a nurse). Problem is, that's not where my pain seems to come from. I had physical therapy. But it was only temporary relief and I'm not getting surgery on a problem area that isn't where the pain is coming from. So I live with it. My neck problem is evidently a thickened ligament and a degenerating disc. Between the two, I'm in a lot of pain most of the time. I'm afraid it's probably more like arthritis or something. But I know how you feel as it affects everything you do. Just sitting in a booth at a restaurant can be uncomfortable and the chairs are even worse. What I hate the most is being on vacation and not being able to enjoy things to the fullest because of pain. So I usually beg my family doctor for a few pain pills before I go and he accommodates. But you don't want to be overly tired all the time from them so it's a double edged sword. No matter how you look at it, it's just not fun!

I'm sure your talk with Doug last night was extremely difficult for both of you. But unfortunately necessary. It has to be so scary to address these things. I can't even imagine and my heart goes out to both you and Doug. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have and have had custody of his two children the entire time. Their mother lives in Florida and has lived there the entire time. We live in Kansas City. Not sure if I ever mentioned that. They were 2 and 4 when we were married and are now 11 (girl-Rachael) and 13 (boy-Joshua). Rachael and I have a very strong bond and she has never known her other mother as a Mom and although she sees her 2-3 times a year, she doesn't particularly care for her. The other night she asked my husband and I what would happen with her if something happened to him. She knew we had went to a visitation that day which is what I think prompted the conversation. It was a difficult and uncomfortable question to be faced with. She made it clear that she would not want to go live with her Mom in Florida. We didn't give her a clear answer as legally, her mother would probably have rights. But I know how uncomfortable I felt with having the discussion about such a possiblity. So I know how much more difficult it must have been for you because there is something more specific that you are facing to cause this conversation. Now it's behind you though and you can focus on getting through chemo week and planning some fun stuff for the holiday's.

I can't believe how close we are to the holiday's. I am so bad. I don't even have my tree up yet! And although most of my shopping is done, I don't have one present wrapped. Bad Mom!!!! I am off on Friday's though and am going to try to have it up for when the girls come home from college for their break that evening. My husband and my two step-children are actually Jewish. So I guess I didn't get in as big of a hurry to put the tree up with the girls gone. I must get busy with it all though. Hubby and I are leaving for Las Vegas on the 19th while the two youngest are in Florida visiting their other Mom and we won't be back until the evening of the 23rd. So there's not much time left to work with.

Stay safe with all this ice we're having. As I've been sitting here writing, I can hear huge branches cracking off of trees and I can see fallen tree limbs in every direction I look. I just watched a huge one come down across the street from the top of a tree that's over 30 foot tall. I'm pretty sure it landed in the back yard and not on the neighbor's house though. Fortunately, none of them have been ours "yet". There's some serious drooping going on though. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Falling tree limbs can be very dangerous so be aware when walking or driving. Have a good week and I pray that it's easier than all the rest of the chemo weeks. I'll be thinking of you and will look forward to hearing from you soon! Happy Holiday's and God bless!!!

Leisa

Anonymous said...

Shawndra,
You are truly an inspiration to anyone who reads this website. You not only are a fanatastic wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend, you are deserving of a miracle. I understand your humility when you ask why would you find a cure when so many before you were unable to. I believe it is those young mothers who have died and left children behind who are fighting in your corner. They fight knowing that eventhough they are not able to hold the hand of their child during special moments, they are making a difference for little Ella. This is the unselfish mother's love that every woman with a child understands. Yes, their child reigns supreme but there is no child that they would not work tirelessly for to protect from harm.
Keep up the strong fight!

Anonymous said...

Shawndra-

Thinking of you today and hoping you chemo went better for you! Hope little Ella is feeling better! You continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. We are here for you and your family!

The Mudge's

Our Family said...

You choked me up there. It is so overwhelming to think about your child and husband being without you. Just know that God's plan is good. He will heal you. Thank you again for sharing your beautiful self with all of us. I am humbled by your strength.

I hope you kicked some cancer butt today with the chemo!!!

Anonymous said...

BLESSED DAY TO YOU SHAWNDRA..I CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR U AND YOUR GANG EVERYDAY....TIS THE SEASON AND JESUS IS THE REASON...I CAN SO RELATE TO YOUR CONVERSATION WITH DOUG, AS MY LATE HUSBAND AND I HAD THE TALK BEFORE HIS SURGERY...UNFORTUNATELY HE DID NOT SURVIVE IT BUT WE WERE "PREPARED" IF U CAN CALL IT THAT....AS WE LEFT NO STONE UNTURNED FOR FUTURE THINGS WITH THE CHILDREN AND MYSELF....I JUST PRAYED I WOULD SEE HIS SMILING FACE AGAIN....NOW I WILL WHEN I REACH THOSE GATES OF GOD IN MY TIME....YOU KEEP THE LOVELY SMILE ON YOUR FACE, SO DOUG AND ELLA CAN SEE IT EACH AND EVERYDAY...AND U CAN FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART....MAKE THE MOST OF EACH MOMENT...AS THEY ARE SO VERY PRECIOUS....MAY THE LORD GRANT YOU STRENGTH AND HEALING DURING THIS HOLIDAY TIME....AND ALWAYS...SO THAT U MAY ENJOY IT ALL....WITH CHRISTIAN LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP, YOUR ANGEL IN KC, MO....JEN MILLER

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra,

Your stories and photos are such an inspiration to those of us who follow your story. We admire your strength, your faith, your love of life and your willingness to fight.

We understand that you're dealing with an incredibly difficult and frightening situation, too, and we hope to provide support when you need it. I keep you in my prayers and have asked friends and family to do the same.

The cruelest thing about cancer is its randomness; no one who gets it deserves to, and no one who doesn't survive deserves their fate. I like what one of your readers said about the rest of the moms who lost their battle cheering you on.

I hope this round of chemo goes smoothly and that the weekend finds you with renewed energy and spirit.

Thinking of you, Doug, and that beautiful little redhead. What a light she is, even in pictures!!!!

jg

bahama mama said...

I'm tempted to write the usual...I'm sorry you have been in pain, but am glad you are seeing what a new doc has to say...but I feel like that must get old to read. And, more importantly, you know that I care about it all, because I love you like a sister.
I am glad you take the time to watch Ella sleep and to have the difficult conversations with Doug. As your friend, I am so thankful that you two found one another.
I hope yesterday's chemo went well and that you are at home, snuggled up in your warm bed enjoying some much-needed rest. I leave tomorrow for Chicago, but am back Sunday through the holidays.
Enjoy the lights, the sounds and scents of Christmas! I hope to see you very soon.

Take care. Love, d

PS - I have the week off between xmas and new year's, so I'm at your disposal!

sue said...

Shawndra--this is very interesting and might be a treatment for you:

http://www.gog.org/IPChemoEd/ipchemoed.html

As stated to me you might have to really search to find a Dr. that does this! But they are out there. I have more information if you want it.

sue said...

Try calling Dr. Andrew Lowy at Univ. of Cincinnati if your interested.

Anonymous said...

Hi Shawndra, my sister was diagnosed with uterine leiomyosarcoma with mets to the lung six weeks ago and is still waiting for M.D. Anderson to call her for an appt. Is this the normal procedure? She has no idea what to expect. I would greatly appreciate any info from you! Thanks