Andrea's Birthday

Happy Birthday Andrea!!!!! Please give her as much love that you all gave me for my birthday. She is such an incredible, wonderful person, friend, sister, mother, wife and daughter. She deserves nothing but the best. Unfortunately I can't be with her to celebrate today, but I will make up for that this weekend hopefully! I met today with the surgeon at MD Anderson. He doesn't think I am a candidate for any type of surgery. He stated that my disease is or atleast was at the beginning, quite large in amount. He thinks chemotherapy is the only option at this time. I have my CAT scan tonight, then I meet with the oncologist tomorrow. In the mean time, we are going to go have some fun.
Everyone talks about me being courageous, strong, etc. Today, as I was sitting, waiting to be seen, the nurse came out and called out "Ginger". A young girl about 8 years old, said, "that's me!" ugh. This young girl going through this is absolutely heart wrenching, she is "strong and courageous" for battling cancer at what should be one of the best times of her life, her childhood. Not me. I am just doing what anyone else would do. I see Ella, and she reminds me to keep up the fight everyday. Thank God for her as well as the rest of my family, friends and tremendous support system. Thank you! Anyway, we are going to go play. So far no severe weather to report.
Andrea, I love you, I hope you have a fantastic birthday today!
Shawndra

Biopsy

Well, I have great news.... the pathology from the biopsies all came back negative. Thank you God! He is definitely hearing our prayers and I believe I am going to be living proof that miracles happen!! I hope he is using me as proof that he does exist and to convince those who are unsure, as I have been in the past!
The next step, get more information from MD Anderson and then from Dr. Foster in Omaha to make an informed decision on what to do with the cancer that still exists in my abdomen.
Ella is enjoying daycare. She got a fever though on Tuesday so couldn't go Wednesday. Thankfully the fever only lasted about 12 hours, but it did start to scare us, getting up to 103 degrees. So we have been hanging out the last couple days. She continues to peepee and poopy in the potty fairly regularly. We are still using diapers. I am unsure if we should switch her to pullups or those underwear with cotton inside and Vinyl outside or what to do. Any suggestions from all those experienced mothers out there?
I better go, we tried to put Ella to bed, she is kicking her crib right now. I look forward to a fun filled weekend. I hope you all have one as well! Take care. shawndra
PS. I think a thunderstorm is coming, weee, I am going to enjoy sleeping with the storm, ahhhhhh. night night all.

My Bumm

Ugh, my bumm, my bumm, it is so numb, hehe. Not really numb but sore from my procedure today. I thankfully was asleep for the whole thing, I can't imagine what she did to make it so sore when I woke up. I don't wish to have any type of cancer at all, but it is definitely no fun to have my bumm the center of attention at times. ya know. But, I did get good news. My doctor did biopsies, and got some immediate results, from these they did not find any cancer. She has other biopsies that are sent out. But she said, all she found was inflammation, so this is really good news. I was a bit out of it when she talked to me, so I will have to ask my mom what else she said. I do remember she wants me to get the stuff done at MD Anderson, but then she might want to go back in, do laproscopy to take a look at my omentum to see what it looks like. Which is what I would like, to see if the cancer has improved in the omentum. But I will definitely take this good news. Again, I have been a bit groggy today and in some pain, in my bumm, I like saying that word. Otherwise I am doing well and am at home. Ella had daycare today, she cried when I left this morning. That was really hard to leave her, but I knew she would be fine in only a few minutes. She seems to have a great time there and starting today her cousins Keaton and Avery will be there as well. That will be fantastic! I don't have much else on my schedule this week, that I know of at this time. I leave for MD Anderson next week. I will keep you all posted. If you haven't read my last blog titled "symptoms", please read it. I hope it helps some of you out there. I think I am going to email Oprah one more time and really encourage her to do a show on cancer in younger people, more and more are popping up, it has to be addressed!!! We have to find a way to stop it from happening to more and more of us! Feel free to email her as well, if you haven't already. Thank you for those of you who have.
I want to thank you all who comment on my blog, I have said this before, but unfortunately I can't write each of you back, mostly because I don't have your email and can't reply to the blog comments unless you give me your email. But there are so many that I would love to respond to and tell you how much I appreciated your comment. I continue to be amazed at all the people from all over who read the blog and respond. Thank you. I will talk to you all soon.

Below is a video of Ella practicing a trick her Uncle Malcolm taught her over the weekend.

Symptoms

Hello Everyone- I hope you all had a great weekend. I had a good but difficult weekend. I can't really talk about the difficult part because it affects others than just me. We did go to Pittsburg/Frontnac for the weekend which was fun. We stayed with Doug's Nanie and Papa and had a wedding on Saturday evening. I danced and had a great time. I did have some other things on my mind, but I still had a great time! I want to thank Brandi and Jan for your help this weekend. I appreciate you both so much!!
This week is fairly low key. I did talk to my surgeon on Friday. She wants to take me back the OR for another procedure under anesthesia, tomorrow (Monday). She is going to another exam, similar to the endoscopic ultrasound, but not the ultrasound part. She is going to take more biopsies with larger amounts of tissue. From what she saw when I had surgery in January, she is very skeptical that this recent mass is not a cancerous tumor, even though the biopsies came back negative. She also thinks that the scans and CEA marker are not truly showing what is really there, she thinks there is more cancer than what all these tests show. So tomorrow I will not eat again before the procedure, pretty much from the time I wake up. Then I have to be there at 1100, they will put me under anesthesia again and they will take the samples and then I will wake up. Hopefully not a big deal. She might know something after she does the procedure, but again I will probably have to wait for the biopsy results.
I wanted to address a question several people have emailed me lately. I have had several women ask what my initial symptoms were that led to this diagnosis. I have addressed this before, but that was much earlier on in my blog. I don't expect everyone to be able to read all that! My initial symptoms were about 6 months after I had my daughter. I had abdominal cramping (pretty severe, doubling over in pain), constipation (pellet stools or even dust, not being able to get it all out, straining, going several times to try to get it all out) and eventually I had blood in my stool. I have had several people email me that are concerned that they have these symptoms and what to do if they do. Please, go see your doctor right away, if they brush you off saying it's nothing but you don't feel like it is nothing, push them or go see a GI specialist and get a COLONOSCOPY! Truly, it isn't horrible, the worst part is the prep but it is a nice nap, you don't even know they are down there! Please don't ignore it!!! If it is caught early, it can save your life. I hope this helps all of you who do have symptoms. If you have more questions, please email me! I did find out that the girl I was recently asking for a prayer request for did find out she has cancer and I believe is undergoing surgery tomorrow to remove it. Please pray for Michele that her surgery goes without complication and that they are able to remove all of the cancer! I will be praying for you Michele! Have a great week. Good luck to all the kids going back to school and all the parents taking there kids back to school. Please keep my family in your prayers, we continue to need them! We appreciate all of your support, again I feel like Bartles and James when I say that,hehe. shawndra

Ella's first day

Well, I got Ella off to daycare. Doug and I took her this morning. She seemed to do well. She went off to explore some of the toys, then she would come back to me, kind of fussing saying, "mommy", but was easily distracted with all the toys. Leslie, one of the care takers (for lack of a better word), called around 9:30 and said she was doing great. She fussed a little when she realized we were gone, but otherwise was doing very well!
I wanted to send out another prayer request. I was contacted from a woman who read my blog and was having similar symptoms to mine. She had refused the colonoscopy, until she read my blog and just had it done. Unfortunately they did find polyps and were concerned about one of them being cancerous. They do think though that if it is, it is in the early stages. Please pray for Michele, I know that this is a very scary time! I hope she has the support I have and I hope to share the support I receive and extend it to her!
I also just got a call, as I was writing from the cancer center about my labs. It looks like my CEA is stable if not going down slightly. It is 6.9. It had gone up slightly previously to 7 something, but now has gone down a bit. This is good news. Atleast if the number is staying down, especially now that I have been off chemo for a month, that the mass is probably not cancerous, as was thought with the negative biopsy, but still concerning. I don't know if I am making sense. Doug and I had a restless sleep last night, so I am not completely on top of it mentally. But the bottom line, is this is promising news! Thank God!
I had a nice visit from a friend this morning, who is in Seminary in Chicago. He is in town and so I got to see him and talk to him quite a bit. This also distracted me from thinking of Ella, which was probably good! I was a bit concerned the neighbors might start talking, now that Ella is off to daycare and Doug at work, another man coming into the home. Not to worry folks, he is just a good friend who is becoming a Priest, hehe.
I am hoping to hear from my surgeon today, she did call me last evening, but I had left my phone at home while we were at dinner, so I missed her call. I will let you all know what she has to say and give you the report of how Ella's first full day was. I am going to get out a bit with my mom to shop, and have lunch. I have an appointment to see my counselor this afternoon and then I will go pick Ella up. So I am keeping myself busy. Talk to you all soon. Please keep praying for continued good news, and thank God for the good news I have been receiving. Thank you all for you continued support. shawndra

Tiffany & Co.

This is a picture of Doug and I before we went out to dinner for our anniversary. We had a great dinner at Nick and Jake's. I, unfortunately, was in a lot of pain, even after taking pain medication, so we didn't have a long evening. I was very pleasantly surprised with a small, light blue box in the middle of the dessert tray. I hadn't even noticed it until the waiter was telling us about the dessert's and said "or maybe you want the blue box in the middle". I was still staring at the large hunk of chocolate cake, hehe. Don't put something important next to chocolate, it won't get noticed, ha. Anyway, Doug got me a beautiful gold ring with little diamonds sporadically around the ring. It is gorgeous, he did an amazing job picking it out! Thank you baby, I love you. I did come home and take more pain medication, which has thankfully kicked in. I was getting a bit concerned that I would have to take another trip to the ER, ugh. It didn't even make me loopy, which I thought it might, because I had to take more than usual. But I just feel good again, thank God. Anyway, we still had a great evening celebrating our anniversary. Doug is truly the love of my life, even though he can drive me crazy at times, hehe. I have everything ready for Ella to go to daycare tomorrow. Wish us luck! shawndra

Anniversary

Doug and I have been married 3 years today. Happy Anniversary Baby! What a wonderful (most of the time) three years plus the two more years we have been together, it has been. Obviously we have had our trials but we took our vows seriously and we are being tried of our dedication to those vows. We meant it when we said, "for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health". I don't know, now that I think about it if I agree with the statement, "until death do us part". I don't think death will part us, atleast not our souls! Thank you Doug for an incredible 3 years of marriage. I respect and admire you, and love you as a friend as well as a husband and a father.
On another note, I have a couple prayer requests: for Mike O'Reilly who was just diagnosed with lung cancer. His sister, Kelley comments on my blog quite frequently. They were family friends growing up. Even though we haven't seen each other in years, it has been wonderful to be reunited even through this blog. I pray for Mike and your family who is going through this difficult time. I pray for a good outcome! Please let me know if there is anything myself or my family can do for you all! Also for Jennifer Ireland's family. It has been 6 months from her passing. I think about her and her family a lot. I feel like part of their family and pray for them. Please keep praying for Jan, Bob, Chris, Emma and Peyton (did I spell that wrong?). They are incredible people and I hold them close to my heart.

I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday. I had lab work done, so I will hopefully know what they are sometime today. They drew a CEA, tumor marker, which after talking to Dr. Foster at Creighton, he said this would be an important factor in figuring out what is going on.. since my oncologist really doesn't know and kind of talked in circles yesterday. We are still waiting to hear from my surgeon who should be back to the office today. I hope to hear from her maybe tomorrow, I know they have a stack of stuff when they get back in town. As Doug said last night, it must be hard to be a physician, going on vacation, you have double the work when you get back. I guess it is probably like that for everyone, isn't it? It almost makes vacation not worth it, even though it is!!! Anyway, I will let you know how my labs come out and what I find out when I hear from my surgeon. In the mean time I am on hold with chemo or any other treatments. I will be going down to MD Anderson from August 20-23 with Doug, Ella and my parents to be reevaluated there and see what they have to say. I will not give up!!!!
One last thing to tell you. Ella starts daycare tomorrow. It will be a difficult morning tomorrow when I take her there and leave her. ugh, I don't want to even think about it. I am glad we are putting her in a daycare though, I think it will be good for her, more socialization with other kids, etc. She will only be in two days a week, so i will still have lots of time with her. I hate to admit it, but it will be kind of nice to have a couple days to myself to get errands done, or just relax for a change. Ella continues to work on peepeeing and pooping in the potty. I believe it has become more of a game now though, she does it quite often, but doesn't really do anything on the potty. It is very time consuming and we go through a lot of diapers. I plan to go get some training panties to see how that goes. We tried pretty underwear this weekend, but they got soaked quickly. oh, the trials of potty training.
Oh, I want to say congratulations to Lisa Mudge, another friend who comments often on the blog. She just had her second child yesterday,a baby girl, Madison (one of my absolute favorite names)! Congratulations, I am so glad you are all doing well!!!
"Get the lead out.. That is all." (quote from Better off Dead). Ella is into the dirty clothes laundry basket, gotta run....shawndra

Life is Good

Hello- I am just feeling so good and living to the fullest. I have had some great experiences this weekend and want to share them with you. The weekend isn't over yet though, so I probably have more to come. Yesterday, (my cousin, Leanne's Birthday, Happy Birthday to You!) we went to a birthday party of a friend's daughter. It was a roller skating party, it was a blast! I haven't been roller skating in years. It was so much harder than I imagined. I ice skated for 20 some years and this was definitely a challenge. I couldn't believe it. It was so much fun though, you should all make plans to go roller skating, it brings out the kid in you! Thank you Jen, Larry and Katherine for the great time.
We went out with one of my good friends, Dustin, who is moving back from Chicago soon. We had a fantastic time with her, her date and their friends. We don't get out much, so it was really nice to get out and "party" a bit. Thank you Dustin and Kevin for hanging out with us, the old married couple with a kid who doesn't get out anymore, hehe. Last night, Doug and I hung out around here. It was really nice to just get to curl up in my chaise lounge chair (which I have only sat in a few times, it mostly acts as a place for all my clothes) and I read. Oh, another great moment this weekend. My friend Dustin, (she is a girl, by the way, for those of you who don't know, even though she has a boy name, sorry Dustin) took me to meet a Priest that she speaks very highly of and has wanted me to meet. We got to sit and talk with him for quite awhile, it was a pleasure meeting him! He gave me some literature to help increase my knowledge of the Catholic faith. It is basic information, which I need. As Dustin and I said, we need the book, Catholics for dummies! Apparently this book exists too, wow! So last night,I sat and read these books, a bit more of "90 Minutes in Heaven" and then finished with my "trash magazines", "People".
This morning, my friends and neighbors, Brandi, Kelly and I went to a new church. It has a great story behind it which I can't relay to you, it would take too long. But essentially Brandi came across this wonderful man, who happens to be a Pastor of a very small congregation off Shawnee Mission Parkway. She was so impressed by him and her encounter with him, she told Kelly and I about it and we immediately told her we wanted to meet this man and go experience this church. So, the three of us went this morning, not knowing at all what to expect. We were so pleasantly surprised with this congregation. There were about 15-20 people there today at this service. They were so warm, kind, caring and embraced the three of us with open arms. The most important aspect was their love and appreciation for God. I felt so connected and that there was no other agenda than to love and thank God! We unfortunately had to bow out early. Doug graceously took Ella and Brandi's girls while we went.The service ran late so we had to get home to relieve Doug. But we are hoping to go back and experience this wonderful place again. Thank you Canaan for your warm welcome and open arms. Thank you Pastor Smith for making this experience possible by as simple a gesture as handing Brandi a card saying, "Don't forget, Jesus loves you".
What a weekend. And there's more to come! I want to thank my husband who is being so kind so that I can do all these things and allowing me to live life to the fullest and watching Ella during these times when I can't have her with me. As I have attested to before...I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and so many great opportunities I have had. I have had and continue to have a great life and thank God every day for this life. I am sitting next to a picture, my Uncle Malcolm gave me of a pair of hands, one hand of a very young infant, holding onto the finger of an old hand. This is a picture he took. In the corner he put the quote "The Gift of Life knows no age." I had to think about that for a long while, but I think I am starting to understand it. Life is truly a gift we are given. I am thankful for this wonderful gift! Happy Sunday everyone! shawndra

Future plans

I took my mother and Doug with me Monday evening to visit a cemetary to make my future plans.... for about 60 years from now. I didn't realize how much goes into a funeral and burial. I decided I wanted to plan ahead, so that these decisions aren't left for my family, who would have to do all this while grieving. I also decided, I want to make sure I get what I want so I better plan it. I am glad I went, and I found a spot that I really like, under a tree, a quiet, peaceful spot. I have to find out availability and who wants to be with me, but I think I will proceed with this. Have you all given any thought to what you want to do or where you want to be? I think it is actually a good thing to do ahead of time, even though we don't all think about it. Anyway, enough of that talk.

My labs for today and chemo for monday were cancelled until we figure out what is going on and what the plan is. I haven't heard from my oncologist, I will try to get ahold of him tomorrow if I haven't heard from him. I know he just got back in town and probably has a large stack on his desk. I will give him a little time, but not too much, I don't want to wait too long. I gotta keep pestering them, I don't want them to forget about me, hehe.

What else was I going to tell you? I went and got my nails done on Monday, I ended up getting fake nails put on, which I haven't had in years. It was fun, and I love looking at my nice, neat nails all the time. My nail polish was called "My Chihuahua Bites" that made my decision right there.

Oh, Ella poopied in the potty yesterday. I think she wasn't sure if that was okay, she immediately got off and looked at it and said "Uh Oh" several times. Then she sat down and did it again, got back up and didn't want to sit back down to pee pee on it so she pee'd all over the floor and down her legs. It was funny and messy! But I was so proud of her, I kept singing, ella peepeed in the potty, do do do do do do. (imagine a cha cha rhythm). I think this is all the news for now. I am just laying low this week and waiting for more answers to come.

I wanted to let you all know, The Jennifer Ireland Foundation is having a Golf Tournament on September 22nd in Blue Springs. This is a great cause, for those of you who don't know, the proceeds go to young cancer patients, to help them with extra unexpected expenses while they are fighting there cancer. I was privileged to be the first recipient from this great foundation. Please help support them!

I will let you all know when I know more about my treatment plans. Stay cool! Shawndra

Another week off

A quick update... I went to have my labs drawn today because one of my lab values, my absolute neutrophil count (for those medical people) was low for the study. When we repeated it today, it was still low, so I have to hold off on getting chemo this week. I have to repeat the bloodwork Wednesday and see if they are okay to start chemo next Monday. To tell the truth, now I am questioning whether I want to do the study drug or not, I would still do chemo just not get the study drug. There are many reasons for this thought, but I am searching around to get some other opinions on the drug to make an informed decision. I also found out today, that the biopsy results from last weeks endoscopic ultrasound came back negative, non-cancerous. That is great news!!! This may change everything as far as treatment goes. The doctor who did the procedure and biopsy tried to reach my oncologist and my surgeon, both were out of town. So I hope to hear more tomorrow when my oncologist gets back and can get this information. I have more to talk about, but I really want to go talk a bit with my husband. I feel like we haven't had time to just sit and talk at all lately. We need to catch up with each other. Shawndra

Friends

Here is a picture of my very good friend, Sara, from Chicago who was here this weekend visiting us. (Also check out the new photos on the left) We had such a good time. We mostly just hung out doing nothing but laughing, watched a classic movie that brought us together as friends. You may know the movie, " Better off Dead". We became friends from rattling off quotes from this movie in college, annoying all of our sorority sisters who were trying to sleep. We just giggled the whole night and became great friends. We went out to the lake, I vicariously enjoyed water tubing by watching Sara and Doug bounce around on the tube with huge smiles on their faces. We ate, slept, talked, drank, swam, laughed and laughed and cried a little. It was a perfect weekend. Thank you Sara for your friendship, it means the world to me! It was so hard to see her leave. I hope I see her again. I really felt with this visit that I had to tell her exactly what I felt, that I appreciated our friendship and her. I don't know if and when I will see her, so I have to let her know now in case I don't get the chance to later. I think I need to do that more often, seize the moment and tell people how I feel about them or about my relationship with them. Ya know. We should all do that. We don't ever know when we will see each other again. I don't want to have any regrets.
I am gearing up for a busy week, restarting chemo on Wednesday. I go to have my teaching for chemo tomorrow afternoon. Then I will go in Wednesday bright and early to start up again. I have to say, it has been so nice not having chemo these past few weeks, it is really going to be mentally difficult to go Wednesday. I better get to bed, it is getting late. I wanted to read more of my book tonight, but I wanted to get these pictures up (with the help of Doug of course). I also read through all my birthday cards again since it is so hard to read them closely at the time of receiving them. Thank you all again for the kind cards, etc. I will get my thank you's out soon. Have a great week everyone. I appreciate you all taking your time to read this, thank you once again. Shawndra

Oprah

Hi Everyone- Sorry it has taken me awhile to get another blog out. I went to see Don Piper of the book "90 minutes in Heaven" on Wednesday night. I needed a bit of time to think about what all he said and absorb it. I also spoke with my counselor about my thoughts. See, I have struggled with what I believe. I am working on my spiritual journey and have so many questions and am trying to understand and learn. Don Piper had a vision of Heaven, and for me it was hard to understand that vision. It seemed so unreal to me. But he was great in the fact that he talked about the "new normal" which I am trying to figure out in myself. He also talked about how God IS in the miracle business, that was good to hear!!! It was also a church service and they had everyone who had a "burden" who wanted to, come up so they could pray with us. My mom and sister went up with me, it was a good experience. I am very glad I went. Thank you Julie, Julie's mother, Barbara, Brandi, Kelly, Andrea and my mom for going with me. I wanted to invite any of you who are interested to read this book, "90 minutes in Heaven" by Don Piper. Maybe in the next couple of weeks, we can have some type of book club through the blog to get feedback and opinions of what everyone thinks about it. I am going to see if Doug can possibly put up a chat area, such as Chris and Jennifer Ireland habe on their blog so maybe I can set a date and we can all chat about it. If you are interested let me know. I hope it will change lives. Oprah, this book is a good one for your book club too, hehe. (Because I am sure she reads my blog every day, I am sure she has the time, ha)

I want to thank you all for sending your letters in to Oprah. I have heard about so many connections, that I have a good feeling that my dream of going or being on Oprah will come true! I talked to my neighbor and friend, Brandi, who actually taped a show, paused it at the end when the credits were rolling to get a producers name. She then proceeded to call Harpo productions and left messages for 2 assistants. Much to our surprise, she got a phone call yesterday from one of those assistants, Megan. She told Brandi that they have been on hiatus for the past couple of months so they are just getting back to work. She told her that the best thing to do was continue to inundate them with emails to them. So, keep up the good work. Brandi also suggested sending letters through the topics that Oprah has for her shows.... "Are you on a spiritual journey" and ugh, I can't remember the other one, I will find out though. So, I think if we keep at it, she will just want us to stop hounding her, she will have to respond, right?

Well, I got all my testing done so I can start the new study and new medication. I had another CAT scan this morning as well as bloodwork and an EKG this afternoon. I have officially become a pin cushion. As my friend Sara said this morning, you didn't even flinch, Shawndra, when they started the IV. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I should be starting the chemo next Wednesday. Again, I am a bit nervous, for the side effects (hair loss, facial acne-like rash, nausea, vomiting, fatigue). I will learn more about them next Monday. I can only imagine, I will finally get on Oprah and I will have this horrible acne rash and no hair, oivay. anyway I will show my true beauty, my beauty within. I will let that shine and nobody will even notice the external blemishes.
I want to thank my friend Sara who is here with me this weekend. She is a great friend from college who brings so much happiness into my life! I want to thank my mom, I can't thank her enough for all she does for me. I want her to know that I cherish her, each and every day. I rely on her so much and I don't want it to go unnoticed. She is truly an angel to me as she is to everyone around her. I hope I am like her, I want to be like her!! I love you Mom. You are probably wondering how Ella is, I haven't talked about her much lately. She is as fun as ever. She is still going peepee in the potty once in awhile. She is putting her shoes and socks on, but always the shoes are on the wrong foot. It is so funny, you would think she would get it right at least 50% of the time. She is talking so much and so well. I am impressed that she now says "thank you or chank chu" on her own once in awhile without me prompting her. She is so kind and sweet, I want to teach her to be kind as she grows up. That, I believe is so important. I don't doubt that she will be, her personality shines and she is kind hearted.
I am spending the weekend with my friend Sara, yaa! We are just going to hang out like old college days. I hope you all have a terrific weekend. Gotta go get Ella who is talking up a storm in her bed, naptime is over. Time for the poo (pool). love, shawndra

A sign

Well, I am awake from my "nap". I hope I didn't say anything bad, hehe. Everything went well. The doctor did see that it is a tumor, which we pretty much knew. He did biopsy it. I don't think it will change much as far as treatment. He did mention a couple of things we will be checking into but I did accept an offer to start on a study with the new medication called folfiri along with another medication called Vectibix. This is supposed to be a promising new drug. I did consult with Dr. Foster, who I recently saw in Omaha and he agreed that this was a good option. That made my decision to go ahead with it. The only down side is that I have to go have another CAT scan, bloodwork and EKG before I can start the study. Ugh. I feel like this is my life now, doctors, needles, etc. Oh well, small price to pay if it works, right! Let's pray that it works. I will be learning more, but I think one of the side effects is an acne like rash on my face and maybe body. I am not looking forward to that. Also hair loss may be more likely with this new regimen. I may have to have a few people over for a hat party, or a shave your head party... who is with me.... hehe. That will be a difficult day, but I know a lot of people go through it and I can do it too.
I have to tell you about the "sign" I received today. I will try to make it short. I had a book in my hands when I went in for my procedure, one that my good friend, Julie, gave me recently. It is about a minister who was in an accident and died for 90 minutes. The nurse saw my book and told me she was just talking about this book with one of the other nurses. Apparently, the minister who this story is based on is speaking tomorrow night here in KC. I take this as a sign and will be attending. It is amazing these subtle hints or "signs" we are given. You just have to be paying attention to spot it. Sometimes we get to busy and let it pass us by. Thank you, God, for this "subtle hint". I will listen and act on it! Have a great night sleep everyone. Thank you all for checking up on me, praying for me and being my support system. I have such a strong support system!!!
PS. I was kind of bummed I didn't wear my tiara today since my birthday is over. I guess I don't need a reason to wear it but people at the store, etc. might look at me a little funny. I better go try to read more of this book before tomorrow night. Good dreams...

One of the best

Thank you everyone for contributing to one of the best birthday's I have ever had. I don't think it quite tops the one year that my parents had a "carnival" in their backyard, that we helped put together by painting boxes to make games. My grandma was the clown, hehe. Anyway, it was up there though with that birthday. No clowns this year, thankfully! But I had an extended celebration from the lake house on saturday with family and a few close friends, then a barbeque with Doug's family Sunday evening. We got to spend some quality time with Doug's Aunt, Uncle and Cousin who all came up to see us Sunday as well. Today I got to spend time with my mother most of the day, as well as Ella. We ended the day with my parents, my sister and her family and Doug, Ella and I eating at Beach Bum's. This is a tame Chucky Cheese place. I had a great time, I felt like a child again and loved it!
Thank you to everyone who sent emails, cards, flowers, gifts, phone calls, anonymous Angel statues, etc. You all made me feel so loved today, and so blessed to have so many wonderful, amazing people in my life. Andrea, thank you for secretly spreading the word to so many that it was my birthday, I have the best sister, she is such a huge support of me and I love her so dearly!!!
Ugh, I can't thank you all enough. As you may have seen from one comment, I got to also dance a bit in the rain, Thank you brandi for that memory as well! It won't be forgotten. I also wore a lovely pink "princess" tiara that my niece, Libby, made for me. I felt like quite the princess today.
Well, I have my procedure, the endoscopic ultrasound, tomorrow at around 1:30-2pm. I have to be there at the hospital at 11:30am. I will be going under general anesthesia, I found out. I, thankfully, didn't have to do the in depth bowel prep for it (one good thing about having the ostomy, hehe). That way, I got to eat for my birthday, even though I didn't find this out until noonish, so I hadn't eaten all morning. I made up for lost time though for lunch and dinner. I will let you know what happens tomorrow and how things go. I should be coming home after the procedure pending no complications. Other news: I may be doing a study with my new chemo, I will know more in the next few days but then I should be able to get started on this new chemo in the next week. I am also probably going down to MD Anderson once again to see the oncologist and surgeon I saw when I was first diagnosed. I don't know if they will have anything to tell me but we figured we should go back and have them reevaluate everything just to see. So lots going on in the next few weeks. I will talk more about them at another time. I need to finish getting through my cards that I received in the mail today. I want to admire all my flowers. I also have to fill out all my health history and information for the packet they sent for my procedure tomorrow. Nothing like last minute. Anyway, thank you all again for all my well wishes. I have to admit part of the time this weekend, my mind would wonder to the thought that this may be my last birthday I celebrate. I tried to make the most of it and was able to be with a lot of loved ones and lived it fully! I hope that I can look back several years from now and think how silly that thought was but it is real, I have to be "real" with myself. I will leave you all again with a great quote that someone sent me for my birthday and I want to share it with all of you.... "Find ecstacy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough." by Emily Dickinson. I am off to go snuggle with my husband and my dog and look over my sleeping, darling daughter. I am the luckiest wife and mother alive. I am looking forward to my well deserved intentional nap tomorrow, ahhh that stuff is great when they put you under general anesthesia, night night shawndra, just don't say anything you'll regret before you are knocked out, hehe. shawndra

Patiently

Thank you all for waiting patiently, I know as my family has been, you are all wondering what came of my visit to Omaha this morning. I have to say first that we are glad we went up there to meet with Dr. Foster. We really liked him, thought he was very knowledgeable and kind hearted. He basically said that he didn't think I was a candidate for surgery at this time, which is also what my surgeon in KC said on Tuesday when I met with her. The difference being, I believe my surgeon here feels like there isn't any more she can do at all. He atleast gave me hope that there maybe something he can do in the future. He wants me to try a different type of chemotherapy called folfiri, which I know my oncologist mentioned at the very beginning of all this. It is a little different, but Dr. Foster thought that sometimes one person can have better results from one versus the other. He thought that the chemo I have been on has atleast kept my cancer contained thus far but now with the new growth, that it is time to try this other chemo. He said usually the best results occur within the first 2-3 months of being on the chemo. I don't know about all the side effects, and treatment regimen yet, I do think it would be similar to my other schedule though, every 2 weeks. If there is a great reaction to this chemo, there could be a possibility of surgery to debulk the cancer down the road. He seems more aggressive and willing to do this if possible. He was going to contact my oncologist so we can hopefully get started on the new regimen. I am having my dad contact many people, again, around the country to get more evaluation/reevaluations. I might also be going back down to MD Anderson to get another opinion from them.
I am not ready to give up. After my appointment Tuesday with my surgeon here, I felt like that is what everyone is telling me, that there is no more options. But I am not accepting that right now and atleast Dr. Foster gave me a little hope. I still feel like this is a very, very steep hill to climb and one that most don't make it to the top of but I am going to try.
I feel it is even more important though to continue to live my life and I feel almost a sense of urgency about it. I need to live now because I don't know what is to come. Even though none of us do, I am faced with a high probability that I am not only a third of a way through my life.
So yes it was good to go see Dr. Foster, and we will see him again in a few months to check on the progress of the new chemo, which I will hopefully be starting soon once it is coordinated with my oncologist (who is out of town for a week or so,ugh). How dare he go out of town, hehe. This is hopeful news but yet not the cure all. I still have a lot of praying to do, and I do feel a bit like I can pray until my lips turn blue and this still may not give me a longer life. Does anyone else feel that way? I am not giving up on the power of prayer, but it doesn't always get you what you want, you know?
On another note, Doug and I missed Ella so much. We were glad to get back to her and our dog Lexi, who is still at grandma and grandpa's so she can go early tomorrow to get groomed. She is our other baby. I am so glad Doug was with me and could go on this trip (thank you to his boss, Jeremy and his company for being so understanding and allow him to be with me). I need him so much and it was nice to have him by my side. When I don't get the news I want to hear, my eyes always well up with tears and he immediately comes to my side and puts his hand on me and kisses me. I am so blessed to have him with me.
I also want to briefly (because this message is not brief) thank you all for sending your messages in to Oprah. I hope she hears us and responds! I hope she allows me and maybe others to use her platform for this great cause of bringing awareness to cancer affecting way to many people, especially young people. I appreciate your support.
I also found out my "procedure", the endoscopic ultrasound will be next Tuesday, the 24th. The day after my birthday. This is to look at the rectal area to see what is going on down there, even though we have a very good idea that it is recurrence! I've got to stop typing now, for your sakes not mine. I will leave you all with a scripture that I found that I really like and am repeating in my head... Psalm 118:17; I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord.

Please help me...

As many of you who know me know, I have emailed Oprah recently a few times in hopes of telling my story to the public, as well as hoping for the opportunity to meet her. Even though I don't watch her as much as I used to, I think she has a great platform and does good things with that opportunity. As I have thought of all the things I would like to do in my life, one is to meet her or atleast be in the audience of one of her shows (preferrably her favorite things show, hehe). My mom came up with an idea the other day and I thought I would take her advice and post this blog....
She thought that I should try to reach all the young adults out there, around my age that are fighting cancer. We need to get the word out that young adults are suffering and dying from this disease as well as older people. If you all who are fighting cancer, as well as those who aren't but want to be involved, email oprah by going to oprah.com. Tell her your story and that you want to bring awareness to this disease that many young people are fighting as well. Maybe if we all bombard her with emails, she will realize the epidemic that is going on and that it isn't just one person, but so many that are affected by this that maybe she will help us bring awareness and hopefully that will lead to more minds being concerned, more research and eventually a cure for cancer!!!! So, please email oprah and let's see what we can do to let the world know that we are here, we are fighting and we aren't going away or giving up on the ultimate goal of being cancer free. You can mention my name and my story as well if you want. I just don't want to sit by and let this keep happening to more and more people, especially young people who have a lot of living to do (not that older people don't). Thank you everyone, I hope something good comes out of my battle with cancer. I have it for a reason and I am going to create a reason since I don't know the real reason. Sincerely, Shawndra

PS. still no news yet on when my procedure will be or what my lab results are that I had this morning. I will let you know.

Tomorrow is a new day

We had a nice, relaxing weekend. Well, let me start over, after a Friday night visit to the ER, we had a relaxing weekend. Not to worry, it wasn't me this time. I ended up taking Doug to the emergency room Friday night after our dinner with his parents. Doug was not feeling well at all and ended up collapsing, then he was really out of it and very, very weak. He is okay, it just seems to be dehydration, but we were worried about his electrolytes since he hadn't had much to drink all day long and got sick earlier that morning. The fluids perked him up a bit and he came home about midnight Friday night. The rest of the weekend we layed pretty low, with just family over to play with Ella a couple times, but Doug is still not completely back to "normal". He is frustrated that he just didn't feel like doing much, again, not the norm, he is usually project king, always has something going on. I, personally, liked having him loaf around with me and Ella, hehe.
Again, thank you everyone for all your comments on the blog, I appreciate each and every one of them.
This coming week will be busy, tomorrow is bloodwork and another appointment with the psychologist, which I am looking forward to, actually! Then Tuesday I have an appointment with my surgeon, that I made at the time when I thought I was stopping chemo. We are then leaving Tuesday night for Omaha to be ready for an appointment with a new doctor to us, through the wonderful assistance of Chris Ireland and Jan Velander. That appointment is Wednesday. I hopefully will find out more about the recent reports and if I am going to have more testing or what the plan is from here. I will, hopefully, no more tomorrow.
It was interesting, this morning, we didn't make it to church. We were all resting this afternoon, and I just had this strong urge to go to church. So I popped out of bed, threw on some nicer clothes and told Doug I was going to church. He was asleep and not all there when I told him this. I am really glad I went, and the mass really pertained to me. Father talked about loving your neighbors and doing things to help people in need. Of course, this made a lot of sense to me, I have been "the one in need" lately. There was a great verse and I said it over and over in church but of course, now I can't remember it. ugh. I believe I went for a reason, not that there isn't usually a reason to go, but this time more so, ya know.
I am looking forward to this week, getting more answers and getting closer to what we are going to do about this new development! Let's hit God hard with all the prayers, thank you! I will keep you posted. Shawndra

Well...

I had my scan this morning, thank you all for your wonderful prayers and thoughts. I got innundated today with people from a sight called Especially Heather, thank you for sharing the love Heather!!! Thank you all so much for your unending support, it definitely helps me get through these times.
I tolerated drinking the contrast today, it really wasn't too bad this time, it was like Orange Crystal Light. I tried to think of myself back in college where I just chugged even though it tasted nasty! It worked! I did call a little bit ago and got some initial results. They are concerned that there may be recurrence of cancer in the rectum, pelvic area. They want to do another test, supposedly called an endoscopic ultrasound ( I need to look it up to get more information). I won't know any more until Monday. I am hoping that there is a simple fix to this, maybe a surgery to cut it out or something they can do, as long as there is a possible treatment I think I can handle it!
My very good friend all the way from 5th grade and I with our children went to Wonderscope today to get my mind off things. It is a cute place with different rooms with all sorts of activities for the kids. We had a lot of fun, thank you Julie for your friendship.
We are going to go over to Doug's parents for dinner tonight and I am going to have some wine, maybe more than some, hehe. We are going to enjoy our weekend, we have a party to go to tomorrow night and may have some of Ella's cousins over to play on the swingset. I am not going to worry about this right now, there is nothing I can do, so worrying is not going to help.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, poor Doug, I think he caught a stomach bug that my mom had the other day and maybe what Ella had last weekend. He wasn't feeling well, he ended up coming to the scan with me, we were sitting in the room after I drank my contrast and he just darted out of the room, tried to go to the bathroom but somebody was in it. He came running back into our room and had to grab the trash can and got sick. I felt so bad for him. He has been resting all day. He probably didn't want me to share that with you all, but I just felt horrible for him. I know how miserable it is to feel sick! Doug- thank you for your loving words that you wrote and for the endless love you give me! I am so lucky to have you as my husband and father to Ella.
I better go, Ella is crying in her bed. I will let you know when I find out more on Monday.
Have a great weekend everyone! shawndra

That Helpless Feeling

Shawndra asked me to write an entry while she's being scanned. Together, just moments ago, we read the results of the PET/CT scan from Wednesday past. As I think & type, I can't seem to block out the sentence in the report that reads -- "This is highly suspicious for malignancy." The scan of her pelvic region today, with intravenous contrast, will aid the doctors in determining how severe this "lighted up area" is.

This feeling of helplessness is aweful. Isn't there somebody out there that can "fix" this? Yes, I'm angry. I don't wallow in self pity though... far from it. Shawndra is enduring most of the pain, and I always remember that. I can be her husband, her rock, her emotional partner, and the rest, I leave to God.

Hi baby. You're walking out of the scan now... with a smile on your face no-less. Oh, how you light up my life. Love you. - Doug

Difficult time

Well, things were looking good until yesterday. I got a call that something in my rectum area lit up on the PET/CT scan. They aren't sure what it is , if it is more cancer, so I am scheduled for a CAT scan with contrast tomorrow morning around 10-11. This really upset me and I am having a hard time emotionally. I was getting myself prepared to stop chemo and move forward with everything and now I am in limbo land again. I am also scared, the fear of dying and leaving my daughter without her mother, that is my biggest fear. I am still going to fight and do everything I can, but this makes me feel like I am drowning and trying to keep my head above water. It feels like a battle that is very difficult to win! Most don't win. I did go and see a psychologist the other day who specifically deals with cancer patients and I was very impressed by her. I will be seeing her again and hopefully can deal with all this pent up emotion. As I told her, I have prided myself on being a strong, independent, non emotional person. I don't know why, but I just did. I don't necessarily feel that way anymore. I still try to be strong, as you all who know me can see, but I am working on the emotional part. We also discussed the fact that I don't want to burden people, maybe some of you out there know what I am talking about. I know so many of you have offered to help me and I don't often take you up on it because I don't want to be a burden. I will just do it myself, ya know. anyway, I need to be better at that and asking for what I need.
My hope is that this scan tomorrow shows that this may be something else, not more cancer. Please pray for this to be the case. I don't want to go backwards, but I want to move forward. My whole life has been placed on hold. I should be in my prime, building my family, my career, etc. But that has all been halted and I don't know if I will get any of it back.
Sorry to bring you all down, I am just venting and expressing my feelings as they come. This is kind of like my journal, except my real journal may have cuss words in it, hehe.
I hope I have better news the next time I write. I will let you all know. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!!!! shawndra