Hello everyone- My computer was on the fritz yesterday so I haven't been able to check my email or write. I had my 3rd round of chemo this week. I also met with my oncologist before I started the chemo. I got a bit emotional in his office and then the floodworks started and I couldn't shut them off for a while! He didn't tell me anything bad, necessarily, he just asked me how I was doing... I told him I am tired a lot and I am just tired of being tired. I started taking Ritalin which he prescribed to try and help with the fatigue. I just feel so guilty about being tired all the time, people having to help me all the time, people always bringing us meals, etc. I am so very appreciative of everything people have done, but I just feel so guilty and tired of not being able to do everything on my own. He also asked if I was just sick of everything, I said yes!!! I am tired of this! My CEA has been creaping up a bit, a couple weeks ago, I guess they did draw it and didn't tell me... it was 4.7 or something like that, then this week they drew it again and it was 6.1. I am not going to panic yet, but if it continues to go up, that will make me very nervous. I am, as he says, tired of this. I start to question am I fighting something that I can't win! Is it worth the fight? My prognosis is very poor, it has been from the beginning. I have tried to think, I can beat this and I continue to think that way. But I have to ask, is this something I can beat or am I just fighting a losing battle! The rest of the week has gone well, I rested a lot! Doug was gone for a few days this week too which was difficult. He has never really gone away for a few days like this time and I miss him tremendously!
My family on my dad's side has also had a tremendous loss this week. We lost one of my cousin's (my dad's sister's son) very unexpectedly! I have been praying so hard this week that things would turn around for him and he would fully recover but he did not! The only good from this is that he was an organ donor and hopefully saved others lives. But he will be missed!
On a happier note, Ella is growing leaps and bounds! She is talking so much lately, full sentences!! She says the funniest things, I can't help but laugh.
Tonight, I am going out with the girls for the Sex and the City premiere!! It will be so much fun. I am getting dressed up and we will have some Cosmo's in honor of the show and go to dinner then the movie. I am so looking forward to this! It should be a great time. Hopefully by the time I get home, Doug will be back home. I can't wait to see him! I hope you all have a great weekend! I am so sorry I haven't written much lately, but I would love to hear from all of you! I miss my support system, I miss hearing from you all and how you all are doing? I hope you all who are also battling cancer right now are doing well and fighting hard! Naomi from GA (I think)- I hope they have found out what is going on with you and are able to take care of it! You all are always in my prayers! Thank you for being there for me, I hope i can be there for you too! shawndra
25 comments:
Dearest Shawndra, I have been reading your blog from the beginning and have prayed and supported you all the way. I've never written a comment before, but just wanted to let you know, it's not uncommon to feel the way you do. I feel the same way! I was diagnosed in 2001 with Kidney cancer and was only given 18 months max....and i'm still fighting! It gets tiring, but I keep thinking about my grandchildren that I got to see born during this time and just want to be here so badly to watch them grow. So hang in there, I know it's tough.
In God's love,
Sylvia
Hey Lady, I have been thinking about you but must apologize for not writing earlier. Sounds like you are going through a rough bout right now. I'm sorry that things are so tough right now. Hang in there, You have always had an amazing capacity to deal with alot and still stay positive. Enjoy the night out tonight!!!
-Mak
Hi Shawndra,
I'm so sorry you have had such a hard week. I want to say that I know how hard it is for you, but I really don't...I can only imagine how difficult it is to continue to fight such a hard fight and just be tired of it all. I wish it was easier for you. I do firmly believe that things will get better, that you will beat this and continue to live for a very, very long time. You have already come so far, and beaten the odds already.
I want to tell you also that donations for colorectal cancer research in your honor have been pouring in this week!! I'm already more than halfway to my goal! So many people are touched by your story...one of my friends told me that she spent nearly 2 hours reading through your blog, amazed at your strength and courage. You have touched so many lives...people that you don't even know.
I hope you have a great time at movie tonight, and a great weekend! You'll be in my prayers this week, and close to my heart, as always.
Michelle
It is so good to hear from you. I am so sorry though it has been a hard week or so....keep fighting Shawndra every day is worth it!=} It'll be great fun for you to do the Sex and the City thing tonight, my neighbor girl friends and I are all doing cosmos, dinner and the movie next Tuesday! It'll be good for you to get out and forget about things for awhile. Just think after a great night with the gals you'll be able to snuggle up with that great hubby of yours after missing him for a few days. Have a great weekend! It's gonna be a HOT one!!!
Deb
Dear Shawndra,
It sounds like it has been a difficult week for you. Please take comfort in the fact that so many people are praying for you. Hang tight we are all pulling for you.
You are ALWAYS in our prayers. Enjoy your evening out! We enjoyed seeing you all last weekend.
In Christ
Jeff Kristoff
Shawndra,
I recently found your blog and spent a couple evenings reading all your entries. I find your attitude and strength to be so inspiring. I'm so sorry that you have had such a emotional week which is why I wanted to leave a note to let you know that you have a lot to be proud of. You are handling your illness with grace and humor all the while being a loving mom. I have a daughter who is 2 and so I know how exhausting that can be in and of itself. Please know that your many readers are thinking of you and rooting for you.
Chris
Hi hon. It's been a while since I've seen or talked to you and I miss you dearly. We definitely have to get together.
I have been periodically checking in on you to see how you have been. I know you are feeling down right now, but the Shawndra I know isn't a quitter. So I know you will fight. And not just because you have family, but for YOU. You are one of the strongest women I know and I appreciate and love you for your spirit and courage. If I could take it all away, I would do it in a heartbeat!
I hope that I get over there soon as life happens everyday and I want to catch up before too much time passes and we barely know each others names.
Please take care, keep smiling that beautiful smile, hold your head up and laugh.
Love you and God Bless,
Roseanda
Bless your heart, of course you're tired! Keep fighting! Doug and Ella need you. Only God knows the number of our days. I'm praying for you
Shawndra, my husband at 40 is in your fight. We have a 3 year old and a 10 month old. Just keep fighting. I read your posts and see you as such a vibrant woman doing all you can in your life. I don't know how to keep my husband positive. Our daughter is named Emma. She sounds like your Ella. Crazy and fun. Wrap your arms around your Ella and know that people around the world are wrapping their arms around you. Feel the caring and love that everyone has around you. Fiona and Brad Doyle, Bowmanville, Ontario (45 minutes east of Toronto).
Hi Shawndra - You inspire so many you don't even realize. Keep up the fight and the great attitude. You are in the hands of great God and so many people are praying for you. Here is a virtual hug to lift you up! I have had a friend that has gone through what you are going through and she is back to work as a PA and is doing very well! I know you can do it too!
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Rhiannon
Where do I start and what do I say? I am sure that all that help you do it because they truely wnat to. You know how wonderful it feels to help someone, so think about all the people you make happy by allowing them to help you. They are your friends and family and that's what friends and family do. I don't think that fighting this is ever for nothing. Lean on those around you for the strength to get over this hump. You are dearly loved. Hope Doug made it home safe and you can enjoy the weekend.
Shawndra
I'm still a faithful reader, I check your blog at least once a day, but I haven't commented lately. Wanted to leave a quick comment to let you know that I'm still out here praying for you and thinking of you. YOU.WILL.BEAT.THIS.
I truly believe that. I can not imagine how hard it must be to be so tired. But, don't lose hope, you will OVERCOME this and will continue to be an inspiration to all who hear your story.
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Jess in Nebraska
PS> How was the movie???
Hi Shawndra,
Let me first say that I am sending you many, many prayers, hugs and positive thoughts. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, but I do think it's normal for you to feel exhausted and frustrated. Waging battle every single second of every single day must be exhausting.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but wanted to let you know you are being thought of today and every day.
A night out with the girls sounds like an excellent way to raise your spirits; maybe we'll get to see a picture of you all dolled up? :)
And lucky Doug! He gets to come home to Sultry Shawndra. A few days away from my guy would make me more melancholy than usual, too.
Life in California is good. I am planning my wedding (never mentioned that) and hug my family closer every night when I think of you. You, Ella, Doug and all those who love you are in my prayers.
xoxoxo,
jg
Shawndra, Girl, it's time for a facial!! Ha. You take what people offer and know they do it with love and admiration. All they want is for you to fight, that is your job right now. You are not guilty of anything but fighting for you and your family. This was a bad week but tomorrow will be better. My love is there and praying and hoping and knowing you are gonna get through this. Each day is a gift and none of us are guaranteed tomorrow so we all need to remember to do something nice for our neighbor, hug our kids and love deeply. I wish your days were not so tough so you could enjoy them more. I believe in you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have already changed so many lives and for that you should be so proud. Not because you have cancer but because you have taught us love, determination, strength and thankfulness. I hope you had fun at the movie. We had a group go too and I know you had people surrounding you being that friend that would walk through the snow to get to you. Remember that is all that life is about. With love, Melodie Chrisman
Here I am on 5 years of fighting CC. I feel like you so tired of it all. All last week as I felt the effects of the 3days of chemo I wondered if it was worth it too. My 3 boys do everythng for me and i feel so crippled...I hate what I cannot do anymore....i hate cancer so much! Sue
Shawndra, I think of you every day! I always pray that you will have the strength to face this. I think I have a little bit of survivor's guilt too- my battle is over but many of my friends continue the fight. Also, I think you used to work at Children's Mercy? My 9 week old nephew was in the NICU there for a couple of days before he passed away, the staff was wonderful, very professional, and my family will be forever grateful for that.
I am so glad you have so many friends and family to help you through this. You are such an inspiration! Keep blogging- I check it every day too.
We all love you. I wish I could meet you- you're like a famous rock star or something...lol.
Love,
Michele
Shawndra -
I'm sorry you are having such a tough week. I wish there was something I could do to ease your troubles, as do all of your faithful readers. That is why those who love you and are near have stepped in to bring meals and help with whatever they can, because that is the one comfort that they can provide. Don't think of it as not being able to do it yourself. Think of it as humbly accepting a helping hand from those who are able to give.
I continue to check your blog daily and keep you and your family in my heart and prayers. Keep up the fight!
Terra
I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough week! I say go and get a pedicure or call a friend and go and do lunch. Get out of the house :-) Hang in there...we are all praying for you. It's okay to be relying and fell needed by others. They want to do for you as well. It's their way of serving you...so let them. I hope you enjoyed the movie and time out with your friends!
You are in my thoughts and prayers!! Keep up the fight, you are truly an inspiration.
You said: I am going out with the girls for the Sex and the City premiere, and going out to dinner! Well, that is worth ALL the energy you have! Have a great time!
Shawndra,
I know it must be hard dealing with everything that's on your plate. I can't even imagine. Your such an inspiration to me and too others as well. You must think positive. Don't let it get you down. If I could reach you I would hug you!!! If you ever think why do I keep fighting....just remember Ella!! You fight every day for her. Keep your head up and your spirits high!! and remember this, too acheive it, you MUST believe it!! Never ever stop believing it!! My dad always has told me tough times don't last but tough people do!!! and sister your one tough cookie!!!
Keep the faith....
Stacy
Shawndra-
I am sorry you are having a rough time and sorry about the loss of your cousin. We are all here to help you along this journey. Our thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. God Bless you all! Keep Believing!
The Mudge Family
Dear Shawndra,
Yes...it is so worth the the fight!
Your body has been through so much...surgery, chemo, etc. Of course you are emotional and fatigued, but who wouldn't be? Don't loose faith or hope. I will keep you in my prayers.
Wendy
Shawndra -
I don't know if this seems a little "far out" to you, but by your posts I can tell you are a firm believer in God and in miracles. I thought you might find the following link interesting. I have heard a lot about this in Florida. I just wanted to pass it on, in case it's anything you're interested in.
http://fieldnotes.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/05/29/1075189.aspx
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