No thinking

Well I had my 10th round of chemo today. It went pretty well. There is always a time when I am there that I get a bit sick feeling but it always passes. Then I just get really tired, physically. That is how I feel now. My brain is going a million miles a minute but my body is so tired. I hate it. I have my tingly fingers and throat with cold things, I wore oven mits to get stuff out of the fridge and freezer tonight. My nose feels dry, I think that is a side effect of the chemo, anybody elses feel like that. Otherwise I am good, I will try to rest some tomorrow and hopefully perk up in the next few days. I have 3 weeks off, they decided just to skip the week of the 4th of July. I will go back the following Monday for my 11th round. It sounds nice to have 3 weeks off but I don't want it to allow things to start growing inside, ya know.

Today has been an emotional day for me off and on throughout the day. I think just sitting in the chemo treatment room, trying to rest gave me a lot of time just to think. Ella usually distracts me enough so I don't think about all that is going on. She is a miracle to me! I thought some about my ostomy and how I want to get rid of it. I don't talk about it much on this site because I didnt' want people to really know. But I guess it is a part of this experience. I can hide it fairly well but it is constantly on my mind and mentally difficult to have it. For the most part it isn't bad but I feel like it limits my activities, even though is shouldn't. I called my surgeon today to see if I can convince her to take it down (get rid of it) but I am sure she is going to say not until atleast I am done with chemo which who knows when that will be. I figured all I can do is try, right?

The other thing I thought about today that made me cry was children. As most of you probably know, I had to have a total hysterectomy.. uterus and ovaries, with my surgery because some of it was affected with cancer. I am so grateful to have Ella, sooooooo grateful! But I did want another child so Ella would have a sibling to grow up with. But you know there are many days that having just Ella is perfectly fine with me, two sounds exhausting. But I still had hopes of one more. Now, my sister agreed awhile ago to carry one for us, since we did do fertility stuff when I was diagnosed. But I worry about that as well. I don't want anything to happen to my sister, I would never forgive myself if it did. I also think that if something does happened to me, Doug would be left with double duty and I know he is concerned about that as well. It just made me sad thinking that I can't have another one. You know when someone tells you you can't, it's hard to accept.

The third time I really got upset today, I think there were 4 total, one was random though, I don't remember why, hehe. (my poor husband had to put up with all this by the way, he is a miracle in my life as well) The third time Doug and I just put Ella to bed and had her music on in her room. The song "Only Time" by Enya came on. I love this song, and what it has to say. If you get a chance, take a moment to listen to this song if you have access to it. I was going to try to get Doug to put it on the site, I don't know if this is possible, we will see.

I will finish there, enough emotion for one day. That is why I titled this No thinking, it is not good for me, but it is good to cry once in awhile, I guess. I hope you cherish what you all have, your family, husbands (if you have them), children (if you have them) or single life (that is nice too!). Cherish it all and let it be know to those people you do cherish, don't wait! I do. I cherish all of you who are supporting me and helping me through this trying time. Thank you! shawndra